Mother’s Day 2022

Dear Diary,

Mother’s Day is here and this is the first after accepting that I will never birth a child. One simple sentence has so much impact.

There will never be a little me and as painful and sad as that is I’m ok with it. My reproductive endocrinologist and oncologist both said they are willing to try ivf one more time but that’s a door I’ve closed and one I cannot allow myself to reopen. Jimmy and I talked about it again and it just doesn’t make sense to risk my health for the slim opportunity to have a biological child. Not only are my chances for a single viable embryo low, a gestational carrier is cost prohibitive. Unfortunately a carrier and her medical care aren’t covered by our insurance so what happens to this embryo? Absolutely nothing…I would have put my body through hell for nothing. Remember I cannot carry my own baby.

Adoption is still an option and isn’t something we have really researched. We are open to it but we simply aren’t looking to become human parents at this point.

We have Kimchi and he has taken up every millimeter of our hearts and home. He brings all of the same emotions that I feel holding my nieces and nephews. Watching him grow is not the same as Ari because they obviously are difficult mammals with different milestones, little girl is here learning to use her voice to express herself while Kimchi is at daycare peeing on other dogs. Totally different things but I love them both so deeply.

If you were to ask teenage and adolescent me how many kids I would have at 37, I would have said at least 1 and I probably would have had that kid around 27/28. I got married at 28 and knew by age 25 I probably wouldn’t want any. Of course 13 years later I’ve heard time and time again, you’re young, you will change your mind….joke’s on ya’ll cuz I’m still here with a useless uterus and purely decorative fake ass tits.

At 37 I have seen the lines turn pink, I have seen the stick flash the word pregnant. I have been on this journey for a long time and knowing your body has failed multiple times is incredibly painful. It’s traumatic and quite honestly pisses me the fuck off. I think the worst part of all of this is my heart still hurts for what could have been. Although my arms are empty for a human of my own I have Mister Kimchi…he is more than enough.

If you have been to our home you’ll know that Sue Casa has become Kimchi’s Casa. His toys, treats, beds, ramps and his hair are everywhere! This pup runs our home and we are fine with that. Kimchi is definitely spoiled…he refuses kibble so he has meal deliveries or I cook for him, I regularly make him homemade treats, he goes to daycare in an area so bougie people drive their Rolls Royce Phantoms to the grocery store, he has multiples of his favorite essentials and toys. He gets all of our love.

I am blessed to have many children in my life that call me Auntie, Nina, Nemo, GG and Mama G. I’m so thankful for these kids bring me so much love and joy and I’m even more happy that I can give them back lol. I am also grateful for my brother, sister, cousins and friends for allowing me to help raise and mold the future adults their kids will eventually become. I know it takes a village to raise a child and I’m proud to be a part of that village.

My mommy, mom, mama have been incredibly supportive this past year. They have been team Gel since 1984 and have always put me and my own needs before their own. I learned how to love because of them. I learned that I don’t need to have biological children to feel like a mother, I learned that being a mom is pouring your heart, love and good intentions into someone and helping guide them into decisions that make the world a little bit more bright. To the 3 women who are backbone and my other aunties and my lola who have hand their hand in raising me…I appreciate you and I love you more than you will ever know….Happy Mother’s Day…G