Dear Diary,
It’s been a wild week and it’s only Monday morning. I’m definitely in my feelings and it’s a whole whirlwind of emotions. Rationally I know none of this is in my control and there’s no point in feeling this way but on the other hand human emotions come through.
Where do I begin to unpack?! I guess let’s just start with it being May…May is Mother’s Day and we already know how I feel about this. I’m not going to have humans. I know this my truth. My reality is no tiny humans. I’ve accepted this and in my 20’s and 30’s I preferred it. I made conscious decisions to not have them. I don’t feel regret for not having kids or freezing eggs. I just feel grief for the alternate life and the could have been. I still feel like my body failed its one job but I’m still grateful for what it has done. Kids has been a topic that’s been well harped on in this blog so I’m not going to continue down that path aside from one piece I’ll get to later. This May has hit me with a combo I didn’t see coming, a really good view of the cycle of life.
For a few months I’ve worried about my Mama because she’s 93. She’s doing ok, obviously she’s aging so things will start breaking down and she will start to wind down. She’s still walking, albeit much less, mentally she’s pretty good maybe 8/10 overall good for 93. But I’ve worried about her because I love her so much and I cannot and do not want to imagine a life without her in it. She’s my favorite person to sit with, sometimes it’s a conversation, sometimes it’s quiet and we’re just together. She’s so strong and is a fighter but does it all with a softer touch except when it comes to her grandkids…don’t fuck with us because she will come for you. From Mama I learned that life will come for you but you have to weather it. Rationally I know her time will come and it will be one of the absolute worst days of my life. But she’s still planning on getting a pace maker and if it wasn’t safe her doctors wouldn’t proceed so I guess we still have a ways to go.
My Lola on the other hand, we’ve had a different relationship. I guess it comes down to grandparenting styles. From Lola I learned that sometimes you need more than gentle and you need grit. Lola treats each grandchild in a different way. For some grandkids they get this warmer version her and for others it’s hypercritical statements and cold hard facts. Everyone has trauma and has been through shit but if I’m being honest some of my cousins are soft…there is zero chance they would have been able to survive my life and trauma, they sure as hell wouldn’t have been able to take the jabs I got. As I’m reflecting I see where I get it from…a sharp tongue and little to no filter. Well damn, thanks Lola…you passed on cancer and my double edged sword of a trait. Thank you for this blessing and curse. I also just realized that I wasn’t coddled because she knew I could handle it. Iron sharpens iron and she needed someone to sharpen against. I get it now. She wouldn’t have been hypercritical if she knew I wasn’t strong enough. Because of her other people can’t hurt me. After me she’s my next harshest critic. She and I never sit down and talk much about life or her past, I can’t remember a time that she said she’s proud of me. Maybe it’s because I also put up a wall. I put up a wall because I wanted to protect myself from the hurt and maybe she didn’t know how to shift into the grandma my other cousins got. I know none of this is malicious it was just her way. Either way I know she loves me. It’s in way she would always ask what I wanted her to cook for me when I was coming to visit. In the way she already packed a ton of food to go to take home after our visit. It’s in the way that she lovingly made an album of my life even when I stopped sharing most of it with her. She made albums for all of her grandkids and somehow mine is one of the thickest if not the thickest one. I was going through it yesterday and saw a picture of little me and her, she was smiling at me like I was the best thing in her life. That’s the image I want to keep of her in my memory. So why are we talking about her? She’s now in home hospice. One day she will transition and it’s literally just a waiting game. My Lola is like the video game boss right before you beat the game. She is so fucking resilient I never thought she would die. So many things have happened to her and she keeps coming back every time and winning. Cancer can’t win. Like I said before she did a mastectomy, chemo, radiation…it came back and they removed part of her tricep and she went back to cooking…like damn Lola, give yourself a break. Driving back after saying what is likely my last goodbye Jimmy realized I didn’t take food home. For the first time my entire adult life I went to her house and didn’t have a bag to go. In fact I came to her house with food…for most of my life she drilled it into me that I needed to cook and because she’s always been critical I never wanted to cook for her to be disappointed. She knows I’ve tried her chicken afritada multiple times and I just can’t get it right. But I wanted to make her something comforting, I made the same soup her mom made for every party. No matter the weather every party had a GIANT stockpot of Inay’s chicken sopas. She didn’t eat it while I was there but I hope she likes it. My aunt said it was good and she thinks she would enjoy it. Like Lola I show love through food. She’s still here for now but who knows how long she will be. Yesterday I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and walked out of her room without looking back. I wanted to but I wanted my last memory with her to be a hug and not a frail woman with a cannula struggling for breath. I need to keep the strong quick witted lady front and center because I need to be reminded that my bad assery came from someone who was a bad bitch. Today I came to many realizations and I truly am grateful to have her if I didn’t appreciate her methods sooner. Maybe I’ll see her again before she transitions and maybe I won’t but I know I got to tell her I love her and she told me she loves me. Just me, her and one simple perfect moment that will always been in my heart.
On to the next part of the circle of life…I’m going to be an auntie again! My brother in law is going to be a dad! I’m excited…I’ve been waiting for someone else to have a baby so I could have another baby. The thing about me is I LOOOOOVE babies! Once they start hitting 5 I’m not as interested. I mean the triplets and the girls I will forever be invested in and involved with but after a while my other cousins and friends kids start growing up and don’t need me as much. But this new nephew…this is life changing, the world has tilted on its axis, holy fucking shit is this really happening kind of news. I know I know, what’s the big deal? He has been vocal for as long as I’ve known him that he never wanted to get married and have kids. I have my own bittersweet feelings about this baby coming. On the one hand I never saw this coming, I thought the Sue family bloodline would end with my husband and bil. It was supposed to because I didn’t carry it on and he was never having a child so it would have ended. We did try and ultimately it didn’t happen. There was never supposed to be anyone else to have their blood running through, nobody would carry on my mother in law’s legacy and now some will and it’s not me doing it. I feel a bit of jealousy because I didn’t get to do that for her but someone else does. I love my sister in law and am so happy for her! She has always said she wanted to try and now it’s here. She’s said multiple times this is OUR baby and I’m grateful for that. I appreciate her so much for letting me share in this. I’m so excited to have a new nephew to love on. I love him already and he’s only 14 weeks into his bake.
It’s literally just the 4th and so much more May to come…I don’t even want to know what lies ahead because the last 4 days have been enough for a lifetime…I just want to focus on my job because the next 2 weeks are going to be wild…G
Gel's Sueso 