Dear Diary,
Surprise surprise it’s 4 am again and look who’s awake and blogging! This is the 2nd time this week (it’s Thursday morning) that I’m up at 4 am. One day I’ll get this normal sleep schedule down.
After some reflection I realized that we as humans take what we read and try to understand it in ways that make sense to us. Unfortunately this sometimes means we are taking bits and pieces out of context or we are completely dismantling the entire story to make it make sense to our own selves.
I’ve considering not publishing some of my darker writing because what I intended to be my personal safe space no longer seems to be that sanctuary I intended it to be. Some of the feedback I’ve been receiving is concern but wrapped up in assumption, judgement or psychoanalysis. But this is where reading comprehension, reading in entirety and understanding the author’s perspectives come into play.
First things first, if you know me personally great…if you know me beyond superficial layers that’s even better but the shitty thing is most people don’t know me beyond surface level interactions even if they think they do. Am I vulnerable? Can I truly be open and raw with people? Absolutely. I obviously don’t have any qualms about sharing my experiences and feelings but the thing about me that most people don’t truly understand and what I want everyone to know is that I am direct and most things I say are intentional so they should be taken at face value. There isn’t a need to take what I’ve said and make an assumption that it’s something deeper which becomes misconstrued. 9 times out of 10 I am intentional when I speak or write, sure I have no filter but that’s also on purpose. I mean what I say and I say what I mean…sometimes it takes a few more words but I am deliberate. I NEVER intend to be cruel even when I’m unfiltered. If I think something may come off offensive I will preface that I’m saying something with good intentions. Even as I write this…I’m sure there’s at least one reader who thinks there’s more to this and that I’m upset. The thing is I’m not upset at all. I’m glad this blog is being read but I am slightly disappointed that rather than the entire post being read in its entirety certain sections are being honed in on that are taken out of context or become the focus of the the post rather than a specific section. Perhaps it would behoove me to practice brevity? Idk…this space was intended to be a dumping ground for feelings, random thoughts and updates in different tangents…so I guess the darker shit should just remain unpublished? I don’t know though…that’s really not my intention here and goes against the ethos of this blog.
You know what no…I’m just going to continue putting it out there because fuck it that was the original objective. Just like it was to just write and not go back and make edits…back to just me and you sitting on a couch and talking.
I really do value that 1:1 time I get to spend. There’s so much to gain by slowing down and having real conversations with people. Not just the hey what are you doing for this or how was that..the real conversations that involve digging into what makes people tick.
On the surface it’s easy to see I’m a daughter, sister, wife, dog mom, auntie, friend, cancer patient, insert whatever else. It’s easy to put 2 and 2 together to understand I have deeply rooted trauma. Some this is from being a 2nd generation child who’s had to navigate living in 2 cultures and never really fitting into one or the other. Some of it is from watching various relationships growing up and parsing out what I want for my own and trying to implement strategies that seemed to work for them while avoiding negativity behaviors…(this one is hard because again I only see surface level shit so how can I truly implement something I don’t even understand) Some trauma is from what I feel like are failures from my own body. I’ve touched on this in the past….I mean every aspect of my life has been shaped by trauma and resilience but shocker…so has everyone else’s. I think the difference with me though is I’m open about it and accept it as is. I don’t question the why or do the woe is me…it just is so I accept it.
Growing up I was praised for being so smart, so talented, so cute, so generous, so caring. I was also told I was too independent, too stubborn, and disrespectful…but you know what’s stuck with me during the last 30 plus years? The negativity. Maybe because culturally that’s what was encouraged, the toxicity is actually a running joke nowadays. My culture has so many toxic stereotypes…THANKFULLY my immediate and close family aren’t like that and I am low or no contact with the people that are toxic or don’t bring positivity. Hell I legit haven’t seen or spoken to half of my family because those relationships don’t serve a positive impact. I’ve also publicly called out relatives who have overstepped boundaries multiple times.
That’s the thing about family too…they think they know you and are entitled to your respect. Well…no that’s not happening if you don’t deserve it. Sorry auntie you don’t get to come up to me put your hand of my stomach and ask when I’ll have a baby and assume I will give you grace every time. Sorry uncle I won’t be getting you that refill on your drink because your drunk ass can’t be bothered to do it yourself. I wasn’t raised the same way that most 2nd generation kids were. My family didn’t pressure me the same way I saw others. My family didn’t expect me to follow the same rules they lived by in the Philippines. My family didn’t ever guilt trip me into submission. I was raised in a pretty progressive family with a lot of lenience. As confusing as it was sometimes I am very grateful I didn’t grow up in the same households as many of my friends and even cousins. Some of my distant cousins had moms that were all up in their asses and laid on guilt. Some of my friends to this day fear their parents or are not as open with them. Nope my mom and I are very close and openly communicate. In some ways I’m that white kid who isn’t afraid to talk back or cuss in front of their parents. I don’t cuss at my mom but she’s heard pretty much every swear word come out of my mouth. Same with my dad…he’s heard it all from me and he still tries to tell me what to do which a joke because I haven’t viewed him as parent for more than half of my life. He and I have a complicated relationship that I won’t go into now but to this day I know that I never have been or will I be a daddy’s girl nor will I have the same relationships that some of my cousins have with their dads. If my Ninong Jojo or Uncle Vince weren’t at Sha or Lex’s weddings they would be devastated. I honestly didn’t think twice about my dad not being there. I sent him an invitation out of obligation rather than genuinely wanting to walk down an aisle with my dad or sharing a father daughter dance.
Relationships matter and what lies beneath is more important than what is seen. They’re like icebergs…you only see part of it. My marriage has also been a hot topic…I’ve been married for 12 going on 13 years. Is my marriage perfect? No there’s room for improvement and room to grow. We argue a lot, we raise our voices more often than most people and we do it in front of others. Could we work on communicating in healthier ways? Absolutely. Do people see the worst of it? They actually do…we’ve had some of our biggest fights in front of people. It’s safe to say most people know my husband is easily triggered, he’s getting better but the thing is he gets mad quickly and is over it quickly, its like lighting a match then quickly blowing it out. On the other hand I’m a volcano…that slow build up of pressure before it needs a release. I give my warning signs but when they’re ignored fuck it it’s coming out so take cover.
I really do look at my husband as my partner though, he’s my equal, he’s the person I want to continue sharing and building my life with. All relationships are different but I know ours has the more unique experience of not having children involved. We don’t have the same challenges as couples raising kids, we don’t argue about who’s going what for the kids or not pulling an equal role in parenting. We also don’t have the same bond because we share kids and honestly that’s fine. I’m grateful that we only have to worry about our relationship ourselves and not tiny humans. We’re here because we want to be. We can focus on us and not others. We don’t have to make our relationship work for the sake of anyone else. I also know our relationship isn’t for everyone. One of my friends straight up said she couldn’t do my marriage but she’s really happy that this serves me and she hopes to one day have the same type of love and respect from a marriage. Does it sometimes appear we don’t respect each other, maybe but I know 100% that I am respected. Is my husband as intentional with his words as I am? Putting it bluntly no he’s not. He’s a reactor rather than responder and that’s something to continue improve. He’s gonna say what he’s gonna say and it might sound bad but it’s him just talking. I cut through the bullshit and find the crux of his problem. It’s not always easy to let things roll off my back and not let the words sting but shit it’s nothing that I’m not used to. Some might say but it’s not healthy to just be used to it…but you know what else isn’t healthy though? Half of the behaviors that you’re also doing or tolerating. So pot meet kettle. Don’t throw stones at my glass house unless you’re prepared for us to do the same. Some people are in relationships that in my opinion the partners aren’t viewed as equal, where they are talked down to or about, some where they aren’t even committed to each other and some where they’re only together for the sake of their kids. From the outside I see dysfunctional relationships everywhere and behaviors I would absolutely not tolerate but guess what…it’s not my relationship nor my fucking business to say anything. During this season we are more friends than lovers and honestly that’s ok…that’s what sustains relationships; friendship, mutual understanding, support. I don’t need to be having sex at every opportunity on every surface in my house. That’s not the priority. Again could we communicate better, sure. But we are in agreement that this marriage is something we are committed to and still want. We are definitely a team and find strength to fill in for each other’s weaknesses. From the outside it could look like some circumstances will end our relationship but we are still choosing this every day. Unless you’re one of the two parties in my marriage your opinion doesn’t matter.
Maybe I’m becoming delirious from my lack of sleep but let’s just end this post with if you don’t have anything positive to contribute to the conversation, haven’t read it in its entirety or aren’t taking this at face value without trying to break it down and analyzing it for some deeper context then just keep your damn opinions to yourself…good night good morning…G
Gel's Sueso 