Dear Diary,
I have received an overwhelming response from my last post. I’m grateful for the outpouring of support. I want to make it very clear that I have no intention of committing suicide. This is more of a failure to thrive situation rather than be wanting to cause harm to myself. I’m not planning to drive my car into oncoming traffic or driving off a cliff. I wouldn’t do that but I also don’t have the intrinsic motivation to do anything.
I know it’s tough to read and understand but I’m just in a place where that’s how I feel. I’m not sorry for feeling my feelings but I am sorry that many of you are concerned. I’ve spoken to some of my friends over the phone and they can tell in my voice that I’m ok. I know I have a good support system and they are there if I need them. I’m grateful for it.
That’s the hard part about reading words though…you don’t hear the author’s voice like on tv or in movies. You read the words in your interpretation and in your own voice. You don’t necessarily get the inflections and hear how the author reads them back to themselves. I reread my last post as a casual reader and not as myself…yeah I can see how it’s concerning to read I’m tired of life. I mean I am, I’m tired of how stressful life is, I’m tired of feeling like I’m not the same person I was, I’m tired of trying to find my new normal. I don’t mean that I’m tired of living and I want to die. I’m saying that one day when I do pass on everyone will eventually move on like they normally do. I’m not saying the people I leave behind will not be hurt and miss me because they will but I am saying I’m not oxygen, I’m not food, I’m not vital to anyone’s actual survival.
I really do feel like I’m in a better place than I was a year ago today. I don’t feel like I need to get back on medication because I like how I feel now vs then. Before I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t have changes in my mood, I was just there and numb all the time. Now I’m in a place where I’m just here and comfortable. I like the ability to just feel again. Are my thoughts dark sometimes, yes. But more often they aren’t. I took an opportunity in the early morning after zero sleep to write what I was thinking and feeling at the time.
I think part of my problem is here I have this new opportunity at life and I don’t know what I want to do with it. Oh you beat cancer you should do something great! I don’t want to do something great, I just want to have a mediocre existence and hope that I encouraged just one person to get their boobs checked before cancer comes and ravages their life. There really is so much guilt in surviving. I know that my journey isn’t the same as others. I know my journey medically has been so much easier but the emotional and mental struggle has been so hard. I hear all the time, “you’re so strong. I don’t know how you did it. Good for you keep pushing.” All of this validation is great but it’s also got impostor syndrome attached…I have a relatively normal life. I’m good with this. I know I should want more because I faced mortality and came back. But I don’t want to make these huge lifestyle changes that make me into a yoga guru or go back to the gym daily like when I was 18…I am just trying to accept my life is not the same as it was and it’s not what I imagined for myself. I think I’m just trying to be ok with that first. I’m just trying to be ok with knowing life has changed and the paths I thought I would go down aren’t an option. Maybe it’s the whole not having humans thing? I don’t know. I know I do not want children of my own…I can 100% say I don’t want to have my own kids. But is that what I thought would happen? I don’t know…I guess I thought someday I’d have one just because it’s what’s supposed to happen. Obviously if I were appointed guardian for my nephews and nieces I would wholeheartedly accept and raise them the same way their parents would have but that’s the thing…I still know I’m not their parent. Honestly I don’t know what I want from this life, I don’t know what my purpose is and I’m just trying to find it. I know some people would say shit I’m alive I need to do something to feel alive! I just want to be content. Nothing extraordinary, just content. I get doing the whole I can do this and this and this because I beat cancer…I don’t want to. I’m not doing a fucking triathlon because holy shit I’m alive. Before cancer I didn’t know my purpose but I just kept pushing through for work. But why? Why did I do that? I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to stress myself out over something that’s so insignificant. Herein lies the crux of my problem…I saw how short life is and I don’t want to spend it being unhappy and doing bullshit insignificant things. But I also don’t want to be extraordinary and have these life changing things happen.
I don’t know what will motivate me right now. I don’t know what my bliss is anymore. I still have things that I truly enjoy and everyone says to monetize but then it’s not fun anymore. I just want to bake because I enjoy it. Yesterday I made a gift and today I gave it to her and she loved it. I found joy in her joy. But I know once there’s pressure of an order from someone it stops being fun. Even my favorite vacation place isn’t fun anymore. And when I do go on vacation it’s not the way everyone else likes it. I just want to lay in bed and watch the waves from my room, I know everyone else likes being on the beach in and out of the water…I’ll do it but it’s not my preference.
I don’t know. I think it really is just finding something to motivate me but what? What is it? What makes me happy and is something I want? That’s the real question…what is it that makes me want more? I’m here at ground zero, I’ve accepted this new normal. I accept that God has a plan. I acknowledge that something has to change but that’s where I’m stuck. And honestly I finally got to this place and I’m ok with that. I just need to figure out what my motivation is….but long story short…I am not suicidal…G
Gel's Sueso 