Dear Diary,
It’s 4 am and I’m wide awake. Why? Why the hell am I awake again?! I’m literally so fucking tired. I’m tired of not sleeping like a normal person. I’m tired from life. Hell I’m tired of life. I’m tired from the constant anxiety. I’m tired of trying to get my shit together. I’m tired of trying. Everyone says fake it til you make it..I’m tired of faking it. I just want to have a normal sleep pattern for 1 week, I’ll even take 3 days straight…maybe then I’ll feel human again.
I have always had insomnia and functioned on less sleep. I have always taken forever to fall asleep but once I was asleep I was out cold and nothing would wake me up. Then cancer and menopause came along and fucked that up. Not only do I take forever to fall asleep I keep waking up…I’m in bed for a good amount of time but actual sleep time I’m lucky to get 4 or 5 hours of total naps. I did a sleep study and I’m of those people who only needs 4-6 hours of QUALITY sleep, unfortunately I’m closer to 2-3 hours of quality sleep. Who the fuck is able to thrive from 3 hours of sleep every fucking night?! Honestly it’s amazing how the body is able to adapt to suboptimal conditions but I don’t like this. I don’t wanna live like this.
I have a prescription for Ambien and I love it so much but I very rarely take it because I know I don’t want to become dependent on it. I know how much it makes a difference but I can’t allow myself to do it. I’ve been addicted to it before and I’m not doing it again.
Ugh how am I supposed to be a high level c suite ea when I can’t even do basic functions of life?! I don’t want to babysit grown ass adults. I don’t want to have to solve other people’s problems. I don’t even want to solve my own damn problems. I just want to exist…sometimes I don’t even want to exist…sometimes I go down this dark path and I have no other choice but to find light and come to the other side.
I’ve definitely thought about my mortality. I can confidently say if I were to die today I’d be ok with it. I wouldn’t feel like I had any unfinished business. I wouldn’t feel like I’d be missing out on anything major. I think the only shitty part about dying is leaving behind the people I love and the people that love me. But they’ll eventually get over it because realistically we’re all going one day. We have a friend who has stage 4 metastatic breast cancer…unfortunately she’s definitely not beating her cancer and she’s leaving behind 2 young kids and her husband. If I were in her position I would be devastated to know I would miss raising my kids and know her kids are going to have trauma from losing their mom. I don’t see that for my situation…I’d be leaving behind grown adults, sure my nieces and nephews but they’re not my kids, they don’t NEED me, I’m just a bonus. My husband doesn’t need me to survive, my parents, siblings and cousins don’t need me either. There is absolutely no one whose existence depends on me other than my dog but let’s be real that little guy will thrive with anyone because he’s that chill. Sure everyone would miss me but like the death of anyone else you move on with life and remember them at random times and on their birthday…nobody is forgetting my birthday, how could you forget about the 4th of July?
I started watching this Korean drama called Marry My Husband. It’s pretty good, basically this woman has terminal cancer and discharged from the hospital for nonpayment. She gets home to find her husband and best friend cheating and they end up killing her. She comes back to life 10 years earlier to change her fate.
Sometimes I think it would be nice if I could go back and make different decisions. There are many poor choices I’ve made in my life and I have wondered how things would have worked out if only I did this or did that but ultimately I don’t have any regrets. I made choices because that was the best decision in that moment and for what I needed at the time. Do I wish I stuck to nursing? Sometimes but I wasn’t serious enough about it at the time. Do I wish I stayed a teacher? Hellllll no! Do I wish I stayed in San Diego and not come home when I did? Sometimes I wish I stayed for just a little longer but I would have missed out on time with my grandpa. Do I wonder what life would have been like if I married any of my exes? Not exactly, I know my life would have been different with each one and I 100% don’t want any of those lives. I know with one I would probably have had 2 or 3 kids super young and probably lived with my in laws for a while and ultimately gotten divorced because I was too young. With another I would have probably never moved back to the Bay and I wouldn’t be as close to my family, probably have multiple kids and I would have resented that and end up divorced. Another I would have raised a kid mostly on my own because my baby’s dad told me straight up that work would come first, it would most likely have been a long distance marriage because he would be off saving the world rather than focus on what’s in front of him. I would have resented him and his over bearing mom and end up divorced…when I think about the few guys I would have married I would have ended up divorced for sure. There are others that I dated that I didn’t even foresee a future with so I wouldn’t even bother trying to think about what life would have been like with them.
My life and marriage are by no means perfect…there are improvements to be made but I’m good with this life. I’m good with this marriage. Is it the life I thought I’d have growing up? Mostly, and when I think about the lives that could have been compared to this one I pick this one. Maybe this one without cancer though. But that was in my plan.
I still believe that God has a plan for everyone. I still believe that I was meant to get cancer, I don’t know why but that’s not for me to know for now. One day I’ll find out why. I wholeheartedly believe this is the life I was supposed to have, this is the husband I was supposed to have. This is the one husband who in my list of potential husbands that didn’t expect children and was content with just me. This is the husband who would be MY partner and is the only husband I can see myself not resenting. I know that this the life I’m supposed to have and I know it’s all in the plan. I don’t know what else is in the plan but I do know if I continue to surrender to it I’ll be just fine. -G
Gel's Sueso 