Dear Diary,
Well we did it! It’s Mother’s Day and I’m feeling all the feels. We have officially ended any and all possibilities for me to have a biological child of my own. I got a hysterectomy & salpingo-oophorectomy on the Tuesday before Mother’s Day. As I said previously it all happened so incredibly fast. I’ve spent the last few days in reflection and pain.
Obviously there’s been physical pain because I currently have 4 new holes in body and stitches externally and internally. I’ve put my body through the trauma of surgery again. But I’m feeling pretty good with all things considered. After surgery I’ve taken Percocet once and managed with Tylenol. I can see why other people say it’s so painful but liposuction was 100 times worse than this. I am SLOWLY able to walk around and am standing up straighter. I’m even planning to join Mother’s Day brunch with my family.
I think the worst part of this is the mental game. I knew going into it I didn’t want to try fertility preservation, I knew, accepted and understood I would never have a tiny human who was created from MY dna…I knew all of that but I’m still slightly mourning the loss of what could have been. Why am I mourning this when I’ve known for years I didn’t want to have my own kid? I feel compelled to tell myself that I wanted this, I’ve wanted a hysterectomy for years. I always wanted to remove potentially cancerous or unused parts…I wanted this and went into it knowing logically this time was the right time and decision. On the other hand I feel like I’ve created an emotional and mental void and I’m telling myself that it’s ok to feel this way. I do know it’s ok to feel this way but I’m still annoyed with myself for it. I just feel all sorts of things at different times.
Spiritually I feel good. I know that while the road to recovery has been rough. I know that this was all planned for me. Maybe my plan includes adopting or maybe not but I do 100% know that I was meant to experience gynecological cancers and share my story. Perhaps it’s the story of resilience, perhaps it’s to be an advocate, perhaps it’s just to raise awareness of young cancer, perhaps it’s simply to just tell the story of love…self and familial. I don’t know the purpose of this but I am embracing it because my destiny was predetermined.
Menopause has officially begun and the hot flashes are rough but I’ve been in fake menopause for over a year. Just when my meds are in check we go and remove my ovaries…I just really don’t make it easier on myself do I?
I’ve spent the better part of this week hearing and reading how brave, strong, inspiring and any insert positive adjective I am. I do appreciate all of these sentiments and agree I am all of these because I am accepting what’s before me and manifesting great success.
It’s ironic that I’ve been teaching Ari self affirmations because I want her to know she’s more than just a cute face. Her affirmations are, “I am beautiful. I am smart. I am strong. I am capable.” We do this weekly and she is so proud of herself. Whenever someone tells me I’m so strong I hear her little voice saying, “ I am strong.” I love it.
Being an auntie and dog mom is so important to me. Being a part of the village soothes my soul, fills my heart and makes me appreciate the ability to go home when I’m done. Kimchi brings joy, fills my arms and is the epitome of unconditional love. I won’t ever have to hear a tantrum where he calls me a bad mom 😂.
Going to Disneyland with Peas was really different this time than last and I loved it. We got to spend quality time together and just be the two of us. I pushed her out of her comfort zone and explained the rides in ways she could understand. I let her make the choices of which rides to go on and when…she was in the driver’s seat and I went along for the ride. We have a 25 year age gap and people obviously thought she was my daughter but it was just really cool to see how I was when I was her age. The things she likes to do and talk about are very similar to my adolescence.
I get my mom fix in plenty of ways and I’m absolutely here for it. I just have to continue to give myself grace and focus on what’s in front of me now…tomorrow isn’t promised so it can wait…G
Happy Mother’s Day to everyone who plays a maternal role. You are loved and appreciated.
Gel's Sueso 