Dear Diary,
So I had my consult with gyn onc today and tomorrow we are doing a hysterectomy and taking my ovaries and fallopian tubes. We’re just gonna shut down the baby factory completely.
This is all happening super quickly but after reviewing the path report and factoring in my history this is the right course of treatment. This is currently precancerous but the tamoxifen will continue to increase the risk of uterine cancer and if I tried taking a hormone to slow it down it’s contradictory to tamoxifen so I’ll be back here again in a few months…so fuck it just take it all out now. I already hit my out of pocket max anyway so let’s make this worth it lol Taking my ovaries will also let me stop taking tamoxifen so that’s also good news. The future concern is heart disease and osteoporosis but those are problems for future Angela…current Angela is just trying to stay cancer free.
James is on board and he really likes my surgeon. We met him today and he was really knowledgeable and kind. We both agree this is for the best and are ok with this. I’m still struggling with the whole finality that I’ll be removing any and all options to have my own child but realistically I closed that door when I stopped fertility treatment before I started.
I guess it’s just feeling like my body is failing me again. First I had cervical cancer so I had part of it removed, then I had miscarriages, then I had breast cancer and now this….I’ve had a bum uterus and that’s why I couldn’t stay pregnant and carry a child. It’s frustrating because the sole purpose of my body is to bear children and that wasn’t possible…I don’t feel like I failed as a woman, I know I’m a fuckin bad ass. My body has carried me through the worst life can throw at it and has been resilient but when it comes down to basics I’m 38 and nulliparous.
I know I can adopt and if we chose to have a child that’s our only option and I’d rather do that anyway…I have so much love to share that I would prefer to give it to a child that was already born into a situation that I can make better. Not like a Jesus Christ Savior complex but I’d want to love someone who was unwanted or who’s parents were unable to care for them because adoption is a blessing for everyone involved. This child would know that we had to prove to an authority that we wanted them and they weren’t just an oops. This child would be appreciated in a different way than if I had carried him/her to term…just like my nieces and nephews…I love them so much yet they aren’t mine. I appreciate every opportunity to be with them and to love them. Maybe next year or the year after we’ll actually look into adoption but right now the goal is to be healthy.
Ugh I finally started feeling like myself and getting my endurance back and now I’m gonna be down again. Hopefully everything goes well and Wolverine comes back…
Idk about you but I like to go back and read my posts every now and then I read the post from May 8,2022….it was Mother’s Day and I said it was the 1st since accepting I won’t have biological children of my own…my care team told me I could try again if I wanted to and tomorrow that option will be forever taken away from me. I’m confident everything will go well and I’ll be ok but holy shit that’s a mind fuck…One year later and I’m dealing with new shit in the same toilet…anyway I have to check in for surgery in 3 hours…I might as well nap…G
Gel's Sueso 