Dear Diary.
I’m writing from my childhood bedroom with my preadolescent Glamour Shot on the wall…total 80’s kid…big hair, frosty lips and denim. It’s so crazy that I haven’t slept in this room in almost 20 years…I live so close that I always just go home and this is now my little sister’s room. Being in here is so nostalgic. It’s so stupid because obviously I’ve been in here since but actually sleeping here…the bed and dresser are in the same spots, the wallpaper is the same but it’s definitely her room. I’m looking around and remembering all of the memories I had here. Her side table has a Google Home to play music, mine had a cassette player and then cd player. My window didn’t have a screen aka easy access to sneak in and out of and now there are screens (sorry Peas no sneaking in and out for you).
One of the memories that’s coming in strong today was being 18 and told I had cervical cancer. I looked up everything I could about it on a DESKTOP and Encyclopedia the book version!!! One of the possibilities was a hysterectomy. I remember being 18 and thinking holy shit I might one day have to remove my uterus…21 years later I found out I might have to get a hysterectomy after all. This has been something that has been in the back of my mind for years and the last couple especially. I knew I had an increased chance of uterine cancer and we might be there now. I had my follow up with my OBGYN today and it wasn’t great. She explained the pathology report was undetermined and referred me to gynecological oncology. She brought up a hysterectomy multiple times and we know ya girl can read between the lines. I’ll make an appointment with them in a few hours and hopefully get this taken care of. I personally think this is great. No more periods. No more cramps. No more uterine cancer scares. No more blood transfusions from being anemic. No point in keeping a uterus I don’t plan on using anyway. But I know Jimmy has reservations…it’s another surgery. It’s more toll on my body, it’s him being my caregiver…him thinking we were done and we’re back to square one. I get it but when I think logically not doing this doesn’t make sense. I got this news while holding my Ari girl. It wasn’t good news but having her hug me made me feel better. She fell asleep during my call and I sat down on the couch with her on my lap and enjoyed another purity break. Having this sleeping toddler on my chest while absorbing this news was what I needed…pure love.
She will never fully understand how much I love and appreciate her. She was the 1st born after deciding not to have kids, gave me purity breaks while going through cancer and she was the one who fulfills my mom cravings. Obviously I love her sister equally but there’s just something special about my bond with her. It was meant to be that I was babysitting her today.
In other news; the reason why I’m in my old room is because my parents and Peas are going to Disneyland to watch Liam perform. It’s gonna be a loooong ride but so worth it. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to go since we canceled our annual passes and I’m so excited. Last time we took the twins they were too little and they couldn’t ride on anything I wanted to ride on…now they’re both taller than me and it’s on! We’re gonna do all the big thrill rides.
Alas I should go to bed because we’re leaving in a couple hours and I haven’t slept more than 4 hours in the last couple days…G
Gel's Sueso 