Dear Diary,
We’re already in our 2nd month of 2022! The year has flown by in a giant blur. I feel like every day is the same but sped up.
Work is forever kicking my ass but screw 12 the usual 12 boxing rounds, I’m in for rounds 13-16 right now. I’m running our company kick off and this is it…crunch time! In addition kick off is also sandwiched between board prep and our board meeting. I’ve spent the last week doing filming and replanning the entire event for the 3rd time…First it was Pebble Beach with roughly 100 guests in person and 500 remote. Then it was a production studio with no guests only broadcast. Finally 2 weeks ago it became a broadcast with livestream from a luxury home. I spent this past weekend doing prerecorded content for the event. I’m burning the candle at both ends but I know it’s almost over. I don’t even which way I need to go because it’s basically the blind leading the blind.
In other news I started going back to the chiropractor and I’m so happy I did. These adjustments are so good…I LOVE hearing the cracking and how I feel afterwards. I’m addicted to the sound and immediate relief.
Last week I saw my surgeon’s PA for my 6 month check! It’s been 6 months since we removed the cancer and got foobs. She is really happy with how the scars look and with the foobs have settled. We made my appointment for fat grafting and she has assured me that with my tolerance to pain I’ll be just fine. I’m really disappointed that my foobs flip. I really was planning on being one and done with surgery. I also saw the nerve doctor the same day and once again Wolverine for the win! I am almost at my baseline in the majority of the sensitivity testing! Before surgery I did a test where a probe was placed around my breast, areola and nipple. The probe was pushed down in various places with a light pressure and the amount of force it took before I felt the probe was measured, then it moved around also with pressure. (Did you know you will feel moving pressure more than static pressure?! Amazing how the body works) I did this test after 3 months and was able to have feeling all over my breasts which in itself was great. Then we come to find that at 6 months not only do I have feeling in all areas that were measured, I’m almost at the same numbers as I was before surgery. He was also intrigued in how I’m healing. Most patients have feeling only in the perimeter of their breast and heal from the outside in towards the nipple. My nerves have grown back from both inside toward the nipple and from the nipple out, fusing rather the preserved nerves. I am in a better situation than other patients who are a year out of surgery! Incredible right?!
I know I’m really lucky and I try to really focus on that but last night I cried. I am so frustrated. I’m frustrated that I can’t sleep, my foobs flip, my body feels like an old lady body and I just hate feeling this way. I hate that I feel like my body is failing again. I’m also frustrated that I know I should just feel blessed, it’s so easy to just invalidate my feelings because I had an easy road compared to most but that doesn’t mean this isn’t hard sometimes. Sometimes I just want to feel what I feel and let it all hit me…I’m a cancer patient whether or not I like it, whether or not I feel like I am…cancer isn’t easy for anyone but I truly did not think that the hardest part would be the aftermath. Last night I cried for the 1st time since hearing about my diagnosis in April. During all of the time the cancer was in me and the 6 months post op not once did I cry but last night I did. I think the combo of being extremely exhausted from work, the feeling that I can’t seem to do prioritize my happiness and sanity and lack of sleep just hit me. All I wanted to do was take my preop photos to send to my surgeon in advance of our video call later and I realized my foob was flipped. I tried to flip it back and it wouldn’t go. I got mad at myself and Jimmy tried to help me flip it and it still wouldn’t move. I finally cried in frustration. I think that’s the best word to describe how I feel all the time…frustrated.
I can’t wait until Thursday, Feb 17th…my sanity will finally return and I have a couple weeks to focus on myself before we fat graft and I get to stay home for 3 weeks. I just really need rest…says the girl writing at 3:00 am…
Overall I’m ok. At this point in time I am ok and I have to accept that. I want to be great but I can’t do that today…maybe tomorrow…G
Gel's Sueso 