Dear Diary,
So it’s official 2021 is gone! Since my last post so many things have happened. This is gonna be a long one…It’s hard to believe that the very next day of posting how grateful I was one of the worst feelings happened. Thanksgiving was spent at our house, my mom, brother and nephew came over and about 10 mins after they left my brother called to tell me they were involved in accident which ultimately totaled my mom’s car. Thankfully everyone was ok and my mom and Mo had some bruises…her car saved their lives and someone was watching over them. The unfortunate part of this is my brother ended up spending his birthday at my house dealing with insurance rather than doing whatever he planned. But like I said everyone was safe and that’s really all that matters.
I got my booster and flu shot at the same time and in the same arm. Surprisingly it wasn’t too bad. I had a sore arm and I felt tired but I didn’t have a flu like symptoms. I know that most people think I’m crazy for doing it that way but I can’t get injections or draws from my left side because of the lymph node removal and I only wanted to be down once. Usually I feel shitty after my flu shot and I heard most people had side effects from their booster and I wasn’t about to feel like shit twice. We all know that I’m very much of the mind set to just get it done. I’m a bit of an anomaly and savage so things like this don’t phase me…would I recommend someone else get both shots in the same arm at the same time? Idk I guess it depends on if you think you can handle it. Jimmy did his booster only and was knocked the fuck out for a couple days…
Work has been consistently kicking my ass. I am TIRED! I’m currently working on multiple projects and my big one is our kick off in February. I love working from home and don’t ever want to go back to an office however I do miss having a couple hours to myself while commuting. I feel like all I do is wake up, work, work, work, eat lunch at 2pm, work, eat dinner, work, watch tv, fall asleep and do it again. I used to work more than 8 hours anyway but now I feel like I work more than anything else. We are trying to change our computer culture from work life balance to work life harmony…idk what that really means but there has to be a way to make it happen. I know that my role is basically on call all day, all night and it’s a role I do enjoy but damn…can a bitch catch a break?! Can I just have one day where people leave me alone? I worked every single day during the last 2 weeks of December…there wasn’t a shut down and even during our official company holiday I was still getting hit up….sigh
I was so busy that we never even got out Christmas decorations out of the garage and didn’t decorate our house. We didn’t get a tree this year and I didn’t do any shopping until December 20th. I did however design our Christmas cards, print them and the labels, stuff them, address them, and mail them out on time. If you’re one of the lucky few who gets a physical copy of our cards you’ll know that each envelope has label that is hand cut and placed over the flap. It’s definitely more work to redesign each year and cut but I love the extra touch it gives. I also stayed up most nights until 3 am making and scooping out 40 dozen of my cocochip cookies. It’s not really Christmas until those bad boys are here…sometimes I look at all of the things I do and my life from an outside perspective and think how the fuck does she do it?! Honestly I have no freaking clue but it will get done some way, some how….
For as long as I can remember we celebrated Christmas Eve with my mom’s side and Christmas Day with my dad’s. As I’ve gotten older I now spend Christmas Day with Jimmy’s side of the family. I was so excited to have a party and have some normalcy again! Christmas Eve is the one day of the year that my mom’s side is all together and have so much food. PreCOVID we would have parties all the time but someone was always missing, but Christmas Eve everyone was there! One year Ash couldn’t come home because of work but we FaceTimed her and it was fine. This year we were supposed to go to Sunnyvale but the twins were exposed to COVID at school and we canceled. We all picked up food from auntie’s hotel room and did another Zoom. We spent Christmas Day with Jimmy’s side and enjoyed Korean bbq and relaxing. I really did get lucky with my in laws…I love them.
In other news I saw my oncologist for my 4 month check up and he was very happy. He likes my Tamoxifen dosage and that I’m responding well to it. He doesn’t see a need to change my meds and overall I’m still cancer free. I’m still getting hot flashes and insomnia but not as much as I was with my old dose. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m a cancer patient. Sometimes I forget my body is still healing and recovering. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus or I have pain in my range of motion or I’m hesitant to carry something heavy. I think that this is all something that I just have to accept as my new normal. I miss my old normal…I miss not taking a daily medication and being able to enjoy an adult beverage or two or three…I was never a lush but having one drink while everyone keeps going and babysitting my one drink or sticking to just soft drinks isn’t very fun. I miss not feeling like an old lady with my joint pain and hot flashes. But I don’t miss having a period and true pms. I would get so angry at everything…I think I’m more level now but I can’t really judge that for myself. I guess Jimmy can tell you if he sees that I’m less moody.
I also scheduled my first fat grafting surgery for March. I’m excited, nervous and scared…I can cover this more later I have lots of time to think about it.
Overall I thought 2020 would be the hardest year because of the pandemic and the world shutting down but 2020 wasn’t too bad…I bought my first home! 2021 was not what I expected…I didn’t expect to start breast screenings at age 36. I didn’t expect to learn I had breast cancer. I didn’t expect to lose my breasts and I sure as shit didn’t expect to ever get foobs! I didn’t expect to shut the door on having a biological child. I also didn’t expect to learn just how freakin much I can take physically, mentally and emotionally…if you don’t know it’s a freakin shit ton! Throughout the year I also learned who the people that truly have me and the people who don’t. It’s very easy to reach out no matter how much time as passed and say I know you got this or just any words of encouragement. It’s also really easy to say I’m here for you and have it be empty. I know that my well of love and support is deep and I can continue to draw from it and if I haven’t reached out to you to take you up on your generosity it’s not because I don’t appreciate you, it’s not that I’m embarrassed, it’s just I truly got this and knowing your offer is available is enough for now. 2021 was my year of strength, rebuilding and gratitude. I’m am so fucking proud of myself. I did everything I possibly could to fight for myself, my life, and my future. I am walking into 2022 with a renewed sense of self and don’t have a single regret about the choices I’ve made. Do I wish somethings were different? Of course I do but I am confident in each decision and that I made the best choices at the time given the information I had.
I don’t do resolutions because I know they don’t last. I am committed to being better each day. Thank you 2021 for breaking me down so I could build myself back up. Cheers to 2022…I’m looking forward to being the best version of myself and for all of your blessings! Here’s to 2022 being the best year yet for my family and friends…-G
Gel's Sueso 