Chapter 20

Dear Diary,

It’s been about a week and I figured it was time to write….tomorrow I finally decide whether or not we are doing fertility treatments to harvest eggs and create embryos to freeze and implant later.

I’ve been going back and forth on having kids for as long as I’ve been an adult. I was told many times I’ll change my mind. So far I haven’t had the need to have kids. I love being an auntie, it’s enough for me. I get all the perks of being a mom without having to have birthed them or deal with them when I don’t want to. The one thing that’s missing from this is the fact I know they aren’t mine. I love them as my own but at the end of the day I know they belong to someone else. That little fact is a double edged sword, it helps to know that I can be done when I want to and I can hand off a shitty child when I’ve had enough, the flip side is I don’t get to look at this child and see myself…that’s hella stupid and selfish I know but it’s true. I see traits of myself in their personalities but not a little me. I look at the triplets and I see P’s quick wit and nurturing demeanor, I see Iam’s concentration and focus when he wants to be and in Mo I see his generous heart and second tummy for dessert. But when I look at Ari I see my sister’s smile and her dad’s facial expressions. I look at Mo and see my brother’s carbon copy…there was absolutely no need for a DNA test on that kid. As selfish and stupid as it is I want that. In the name of vanity I would love to see a little version of me, could I handle a kid with my attitude or Jimmy’s temper and not wanna smack the shit out of it? Idk

Jimmy and I have always been on the same page with kids. If we have them, great, if we don’t, great. We have always said that we would not do fertility treatments. Now that fertility preservation is our only option to have biological children I’m still undecided. A couple years ago we decided to actively try to have a baby and then the following day I was laid off. That made us rethink that decision and since then we never discussed trying again because kids were never really a priority. I know that kids are a very high priority for many couples. I know that so many people struggling with infertility would love to have the opportunity for free fertility treatments. So many people spend so much time, emotions and money in trying to get pregnant. Monitoring their monthly cycles, checking ovulation for the day, having sex during optimal times just to be disappointed or getting pregnant but having miscarriages. Then spending tens of thousands of dollars to try medical interventions…I know what it’s like having a miscarriage, it fucking sucks. You get your hopes up and invested in something and it doesn’t happen. Maybe I’m not super concerned with having a kid because I’m jaded from my past experiences but I highly doubt that. I just never had the calling to be a mom. I have Kimchi and my nieces and nephews.

I feel like I went to a trade show and got a swag bag…for getting cancer you get a free breast reduction and liposuction! Hell yeah!!! Sign me the fuck up!!! You also get to decide to use your free fertility benefit…oh ok thanks? I know that I’m blessed to have the opportunity to do this but I don’t know if it’s something I want. I’ve had this option for free IVF for 3 years! I haven’t done anything with it this long, but now I feel like it’s such a waste to not take advantage of this since it’s the only way to have my own kid. I’m still recovering from a major surgery and fertility is such a toll. Honestly if my chances aren’t good then I’m putting my body through more shit for nothing.

I made the decision to go tomorrow and see what the number show. At my last appointment we found 5 follicles to harvest. Theoretically I would lose 1-2 eggs because they weren’t mature, then I would lose some because after fertilization the eggs didn’t make it to blastocyst, then I would lose some because they had genetic defects. This would take me to potentially 0-1 viable embryo. 1 is not worth it for me. I decided that if we had 8 or more I will start treatments and if it’s 7 or below I’m not doing it. 8 follicles would potentially yield 1-2 embryos and 2 would be worth it. Realistically I wouldn’t freeze embryos to not try to implant them so if it works we’ll be seeing a little Sue in about 2 years. If the numbers aren’t above 8 then I’m closing the door on having my own biological child. We would still have options for using donor eggs and Jimmy’s sperm or adoption but my egg farm will be closing either tomorrow or in September after retrieval…G