Dear Diary,
The 1st post of the year and the 1st in awhile. I took some time to read my older posts and all I can say is wow…the first few were so cathartic and the more recent ones were more or less the same thing. But honestly that’s how my life has been…more or less the same. I feel like I’m just here unsure of how to move forward, semi comfortable, very uncomfortable but also unwilling to make any serious changes.
Since last January life has certainly changed career wise, financially, my outlook on what I want to do and my mental health has drastically improved. I have new anxieties and honestly the coping mechanisms I’ve used in the past may or may not be the best for me now but they’re what I’m going with for now. I’m not using drugs or alcohol to cope, I’m just avoiding.
Last January I was on the verge of a breakdown. I for sure thought I was going to be admitted to the hospital for my stress. I had a job that the was the most toxic environment for me mentally and physically. I couldn’t sleep because of my job, my boss and team had unrealistic expectations of me, I just didn’t want to do it, my body was going through so much, hormones forever fluctuating, being the in and out of the emergency room for anemia and heavy bleeding, getting blood transfusions…taking on the mental load of Romeo’s move, trying to be a support system when I wasn’t even able to care for myself. Last year at this time I was really struggling…I also had all these plans for the year…none of them came to fruition and that’s ok. Hell last January I was seriously researching purchasing a 2nd home.
So much has changed, so much has improved mental health wise and while I still don’t feel like myself I know I am in a much better place. I’ve used most for 2023 for a much needed mental health break. I’ve used the time to focus on myself and to be present. I’ve made an effort to not take on more stress from others and not to worry about them. Do I still think Romeo should be here instead? Absolutely but it’s not my responsibility to figure out how to get him to come home. I’ve also been lucky to spend so much time with my nieces. I got to watch Emi’s first year and really get to bond with her. I strengthened my bond with Ari. I also got to go back to Oahu multiple times to visit Romeo….as much as I love him and miss him his move has fucked up my view of Oahu. Oahu used to be my happy place, it’s where we got married, it was my easy escape. I didn’t want to do my biopsy before going because I didn’t want to hear I had cancer in Oahu…now going back to Oahu isn’t vacation and fun anymore, it’s more obligatory now which is sad. Why couldn’t that stupid bitch move to Maui instead?! Ugh…But honestly you can’t really mad about being there so idk….
2023 gave me an opportunity to relax and shift my mindset. Unfortunately I spent most of it just trying to survive. I feel like I’ve been to war with myself and even though I don’t feel like I’m done with this war I have to gear up and go back into battle with work.
I always told myself I never wanted to support a CEO. The job market is so crazy that I have no choice but to apply to roles that support CEO. I honestly hoped I wouldn’t have to go back to being an EA again. The role no longer makes me happy. I just don’t see the value of giving so much into a role that gives me nothing but stress and a payoff. I honestly think being an EA gave me cancer. I was in jobs that didn’t allow me to prioritize my health and I just kept going even though I needed to rest. Yeah yeah every job is stressful I know this but to truly be a top notch EA is difficult. In addition menopause and cancer have impacted my memory and ability to form coherent thoughts and sentences at times. I literally feel so stupid when I have a thought and before I can write it down or say it out loud I’ll forget it.
I’ve been saying all I wanna do is work at Costco and check receipts. I really do want a job that I can just go to and not have to bring home. Realistically though I think I’m gonna have to be an EA again for a little bit longer. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to work. I never wanted to be a stay at home wife and now that’s all I want to do. Jimmy’s goal is to find a job he loves and pays him enough that I don’t have to work full time anymore. That’s my goal too…will it change my plans for a 2nd home, probably but I’d rather have better mental health than a second house. When we bought this house I bought it fully expecting to move into a bigger place within 5 years…joke’s on me because that is definitely not happening. So much has changed since 2020.
I have no idea what 2024 will bring but I have learned to just surrender to whatever is happening, set up boundaries to protect my peace and hope for the best. The old hustler isn’t coming back and I’m ok with that. I just need to be happy. -G
Gel's Sueso 