Dear Diary,
It has been a WILD ride! The holidays with the family were so fun! Although I didn’t touch on it in my last post we had some milestones…Jeffy 35, mommy 60 and mama turned 90!!! We were able to celebrate Thanksgiving with most of the family but Christmas…WE WERE COMPLETE! After years of being separated or incomplete we finally got together with everyone again! It made my heart so full to be with everyone. We also celebrated Jimmy’s birthday in San Diego and literally just got back from Oahu. Lastly I have a new love in my life and her name is Emi…my sister had her 2nd little girl.
Now to the craziness…per usual I baked dozens upon dozens of cocochip cookies. I know I’ve shared about my crazy periods before but this last one takes the cake! It started with some spotting the week of Christmas and I thought ok cool, light. This turned into a regular period the following week. My stupid ass decided to ask for Provera to stop the period because we were going to San Diego and I didn’t want to have my period…BIG MISTAKE! I took the Provera and it stopped my period for the weekend however when I stopped taking it my period came back HARD and FULL FORCE. For over a week I was bleeding heavily but I thought to myself I can do this, it’s ok I’ve been here before. Unfortunately the period was so bad I was starting to feel anemic and tired. I was trying to take it easy because I was really tired…taking the 10 steps from my bed to the bathroom was exhausting. I had never felt this way before, not after multiple surgeries, not after asthma attacks..10 steps was too much. I asked Jimmy to take me to the er next door, we found that my hemoglobin was low but borderline for a blood transfusion. I decided to just go home and 2 days later I was back in the er for a blood transfusion, I was dangerously low and anemic. Below 7 is when you need a transfusion…I was barely a 4.
In addition to dealing with my own health a really big change happened in our family…my nephew moved to Hawaii. The way it went down has caused a major disruption and a major stressor in all of our lives. It’s not my story to tell but let’s just say it hasn’t been easy for anyone.
During this time I was really struggling with work and took some time off because it was just a lot to try to do my job while I literally tried to just stay alive. We were trying to figure out if I had uterine cancer which a side effect of Tamoxifen, thankfully it’s not and I just had a thickening due to the med. I also started therapy again and now have both a therapist and psychiatrist. I’m back on an ssri (Celexa because Prozac interferes with Tamoxifen) for my depression and anxiety and I’m back on the higher dose of Tamoxifen…we’re hoping that it will fully stop my periods again. For my fat grafting surgery last year I had to stop taking it and during the month I was off it I guess I let it all out of my system and when I went back on it I started at the lower dose and it didn’t fully put me in menopause…it took damn near a year to figure it out but ok…
I’m having constant hot flashes, only sleep for a few hours but broken sleep so basically it’s a series of naps and I’m just fucking irritated all the damn time. I’m fucking struggling I’ve come to a point where all of the things I’ve compartmentalized are falling off their neat little shelves and I just feel like I’m playing Twister trying to keep all these boxes from falling around me. I feel helpless and this crushing weight around me. I explained to Jimmy that from a scale of 0-10 normally I feel like my anxiety is around a 2, I have general stress and worry but with my meds changing and everything happening I feel like I’m living at a 5 or 6 so my tolerance for anyone and anything is much shorter.
I did something I’m not very proud of while on vacation but everyone who matters that experienced my outburst understood where I was coming from and that I had had enough. I wasn’t able to control my temper and said somethings I shouldn’t have. I could have and normally would have been able to maintain my composure but I just couldn’t.
I’m at a point right now where my work stress is bleeding into my personal life. I wake up anxious because I feel like I’m constantly behind…which to be fair I am. But I wake up every morning before the sun with at least 12 Slack messages & so many emails. I don’t get to wake up and center myself, I wake up and am thrown into chaos. I’ve hit my breaking point with my boss and whenever I see a message, email, or someone even mentions her my heart starts racing and I start to feel warm and not in a good way…my therapist agrees this is a toxic relationship and we’re working together so that I can go on med leave again. This is taking its toll..what job is worth taking antidepressants for? Not this one! I’m still looking for a new role and my hope is that I can go on leave and find a job so I don’t have to come back. Buuut the market is freakin tough! I’ve had dozens of interviews since last year and I keep getting rejected. Maybe some of it is because of the match but maybe part of it is I’ve lost confidence in myself because my boss has constantly berated me. Some of the jobs I apply for I’m over qualified for and I know it but I want to be bored! I want to have time to take care of myself and not always be on the grind. It only takes one company that sees the value in me and is a match…come on new job!!! I’m putting it out there that I will find better, I deserve better and I will be better. With that I think it’s a good time to say good night…G
Gel's Sueso 