Dear Diary,
I wrote not too long ago I hate my job… yup I still do. The hardest part about this job is the relationship. I can schedule in my sleep, I can plan an offsite on my own in less than a week’s notice. I can execute my basic duties independently…but in order to do this I need an executive who understands how to utilize me, values the efforts I make and gives me control over their calendar. Let me do my freakin job!!! My current exec doesn’t want me to manage the calendar, she wants me to focus on making the South Bay site happy…umm I wasn’t hired to do that and there’s a Bay Area office manager. She wants me to go to the office every week…umm I didn’t sign up for a 3 hour commute. She’s told me to meet her old assistant so I can understand what it means to be an EA…ok cool like I haven’t done this job for longer than you’ve been an executive. Her idea of an assistant is vastly different than mine.
For me a major pillar of my job is running the calendar, working with her and the team to figure out what the priorities are so I know where to push back. I need optimize her time and find time for her to do meaningful work rather than just meetings. But I’ve been told, don’t worry about scheduling I can do it myself…ok so I leave it alone…then why aren’t you prioritizing this or that?
I’m struggling really hard with all of this. I kill myself daily for this. I function on less than 6 hours of sleep every single day, I spend over 12 hours each day on this job. I literally answer messages anywhere from 5 am until 9 pm if not later consistently. I’m not turning off my phone at 5 pm (which would be 12 hours) I’m not getting paid overtime and I’m sure as shit not being appreciated for this. My mental capacity and patience is running very thin. I feel like if this continues for much longer I’m going to break down. This is so much more difficult than when I was working and doing a million pretreatment appointments. Back then I was able to sleep in and I was left alone after hours. If anything came in after 5:30 there was no expectation of it even being seen until 9:30 am. Back then I only had anxiety of the unknown but I was able to push that aside and power through. Now I’m sleep deprived, going through menopause, anxiety that cancer will return, anxiety of the unknown, depression and basically the will do anything. All I want to do is curl into a ball and find some sleep and peace to myself. But my days and nights are always full of worry that I’m missing something at work. This freakin place has consumed me. I can’t get one day that I don’t get emails from my boss. I can’t go to sleep without thinking about the people I have to deal with every morning. I can’t do this shit anymore! I’m just over it…I need a goddamn break!!! G
Gel's Sueso 