Dear Diary,
It’s 3:51 am and I’m wide awake. I’ve always been a night owl who falls asleep between 11:30 – 1:30. I’ve always functioned on minimal sleep, I’ve even seen a sleep specialist who thinks that I’m a person who actually only needs 4-6 hours of QUALITY sleep to function daily…Usually I go to bed at 11:30 and hope I fall asleep quickly or I just listen to sleep meditations or just get bored and sleep. Before cancer I would take hours to fall asleep but once I was asleep I was dead to the world…nothing would wake me up in those 4-6 sometimes 7 hours. Then cancer meds came into my life and I would still take forever to fall asleep and then wake up and then fall back asleep…basically I went from 100% quality sleep to 75%. You know go to bed at 11:30 but sleep in until 7:30…so 8 hours to fall asleep, wake up, fall asleep, wake up…an endless cycle but one I was able to function on. I could still get 4-6 hours of quality sleep within those 8.
Now with my new job…let’s just I fucked up. I underestimated how much this cycle fucks with my sleep pattern. I haven’t had 4-6 hours of any kind of sleep since July. Why you might ask? Because my dumb ass thought it would be smart to take a job with EMEA/East Coast hours. I was sold a lemon…I was told I would be starting around 7 am pt and being done by 2 :30 pm the latest…LIES!!! I’m up every day between 5-5:30 am pt to catch the people in Europe. (Once 5pm cet hits I won’t get any sort of reply until the next day) when I wake up at 5 my Slack and emails have been blown up since 2 am, I could probably knock them out before I sleep but no I’m setting a boundary. So from 5:30 -11:30 am I’m hitting it hard…I’m 100% in work mode. I don’t even get up to pee until like 8 or 9 because I’m so focused. Then I get hangry around 12:30/1 because I didn’t eat breakfast…then I should be done right? Nooope! Between 3-6:30 pm I get another influx of shit to do….Then I try to live my life but by 7 pm I’m tired but not sleepy. No matter how tired I am I can’t get sleepy until damn near midnight…so back to my shitty sleep pattern…lay down at 11:30 pm, fall asleep at 12:30 am, wake up at 2 am, fall asleep at 3 am, wake up at 5 am, snooze until 6 if I don’t have meetings scheduled. I literally get like 3.5-4 hours of sleep each night and it’s not even uninterrupted sleep. THIS IS NOT SUSTAINABLE!!! But what am I gonna do take a sleeping pill every night? Jimmy keeps telling me to go to bed earlier…yeah I’ll go to bed and lay there and still not sleep until 11:30 so what’s the point? Last night I fell asleep at 10:30!!! But I woke up at 2 am and haven’t been able to go back to sleep since. Now it’s damn near 4:30 am and I’m talking about how I don’t sleep and I’m always tired but at this point I know I won’t fall asleep before I wake up at 5 am so fuck it…I’m just gonna stay awake. 🤷🏻♀️ 🤦🏻♀️ This is my life…team no sleep…all day, everyday.
Let’s talk more about my new job…I hate it. I hate the other EAs other than a select few, I hate the hours, I hate that it’s a shit show. I left a mostly functional place for this…what company doesn’t give c suite EAs a credit card? Every single penny is scrutinized, nobody seems competent, nobody seems to know what anyone does…I’m 3 months in and looking to leave already. My boss…but nah…this whole company is a full on Monet. I guess I should say something positive…I’m going to Germany to help with an event. 🤷🏻♀️ at least when I’m there I’ll already be on a good sleep pattern? Idk what to say. I don’t know of any positives here other than my pay check. It’s an opportunity to practice patience and train my body to function on less sleep….oh god what is daylight savings gonna do in the spring?? I hope I find another job by then because this ain’t it.
Overall things are good though. There are a lot of inconveniences but I’m still blessed….ugh and now the emails are pouring in….lemme go pretend I give a shit now…G
Gel's Sueso 