Dear Diary,
It’s been about a week since I last updated you and since I’ve started Tamoxifen…So far I’m tolerating it well. We’ve been having a heat wave and it’s been in the high 90’s/low 100’s so my ac has been blasting regardless. So far I’m experiencing insomnia even more. Usually with my insomnia I take FOREVER to fall asleep, now not only do I take forever to fall asleep, I can’t stay asleep. I don’t feel like I ever hit my REM and get that restorative sleep…I just wake up at awkward times and lay there. But in a week I’ve finished 5 books by Diane Michaels so at least I’ve been productive. I also experienced my first hot flash…we were watching a movie at home and suddenly I started to sweat and feel hot all over. It passed fairly quickly and I’m HOPING & PRAYING that’s the worst they will ever be…I know that’s not likely but I can have faith right? This morning was fun…I woke up at 4 am PARCHED! My throat and mouth felt so dry and I was hot…poor Jimmy was a trooper and got me some water. I know it was from the fridge but it still didn’t feel super cold…ugh the change is starting…
In other news I go back to work next week. I’m not sure if I’m excited or not. One hand I miss be productive but on the other I really like chillin and spending time with Kimchi. I’m also afraid that I’m not able to keep up and live up to my own expectations. Before surgery I had a couple very minor slip ups and thankfully my boss and coworkers have been understanding but I can’t use cancer as a crutch forever. I know the Tamoxifen can cause brain fog and memory loss but still…Eventually I’ll adjust and I’ll have a new normal.
2 weeks ago I joined my team’s all hands via video and last week I joined our company town hall…I know I technically shouldn’t have but my workaholic ass couldn’t stay away. In fact I’ve stayed on top of all my emails and read all the messages in the various Slack channels to keep my finger on the pulse. My boss reached out yesterday to see if I felt ready to come back next week. I’m conflicted…am I ready? Yeah, I think I’m ready but I don’t know if I’m ready to come back full force…we shall see…
I still have physical therapy and acupuncture appointments so I’ll work around those but ultimately everyone knows I have shit going on and my health is my priority…speaking of which I feel good. My range of motion is coming back. It’s still tough stretching all the way and I’m still limiting what I can carry but overall I’m happy. I’m still on the fence with acupuncture…I get that I’m supposed to just be at peace but I get so bored! Alone in a room with needles in various points of my body…I need a book, I need someone to talk to, I need to have some sort of manual manipulation. During acupuncture I mentally arranged all of the shit I needed to buy and timed out when I needed to cook for our family’s visit…I don’t know how to just lay there and be calm. Maybe one day I’ll get there but idk…I know others find it amazing to help them with Tamoxifen but I’m not sold yet…G
Gel's Sueso 