Dear Diary,
Today is Tuesday, September 1st. Today I start presumably the next 10 years of my life. I start a new medication called Tamoxifen.
So many people have had different experience with this and I really hope that I don’t have a negative experience. I know that my estrogen levels will drop so low that I basically go into early menopause and then in 10 years if my natural menopause hasn’t started yet I’ll be symptom free for a little bit then have my real menopause and get to do this shit all over again. While this lowers my risk of breast recurring it increases my risk for uterine cancer. I’m super nervous for this drug. I normally tolerate medication well but the thought of early menopause scares the shit out of me. I’m more nervous for this drug than I was for having both boobs removed. I’m absolutely not looking forward to hot flashes, night sweats, headache, fatigue, fluid retention joint pain and vaginal dryness. My oncologist recommended that I get more active in hopes it will decrease the side effects. He thinks that this drug is more beneficial than harmful. I mean I can’t be too upset with this treatment plan. I had a hell of a lot easier time with cancer than most people. I was a simple as surgery and that’s it…no chemo, no radiation. I should be feel lucky that I just have to take a daily pill. Big picture I absolutely am grateful but on a granular level I don’t want to do this at all. I just want to be normal.
Ugh normal…my new normal are these foobs I’m not in love with yet. I’m not used to having projections from my chest that don’t flatten when they get in the way. They get in the way even more now than ever before. For example when I’m driving and I across my arm over my center to make a turn my old boobs would compress and now they don’t and I have to swing my arm around a little more. I’m a side sleeper and waited a whole 5 weeks to resume this…yeah no, the foobs don’t move with me and the bottom one gets kinda stuck under me and the top one just stays still…gravity doesn’t help make them more comfortable…they just stay in place…And lastly fuck wearing a damn bra 24/7!!! Since the alloderm hasn’t fully incorporated there is still a risk the foobs can flip inside the pocket meaning I gotta wear a bra all the time! My ribs and under boob are starting to bruise and the skin is getting irritated because of the constant pressure. I literally have to change my bra multiple times each day because they get so uncomfortable…thank god when I go back to work I won’t be going to an office because I can’t imagine having to pack additional bras to work and changing them in the office bathroom. My foobs are smaller than my natural boobs were and I only wore a bra when I absolutely had to. I would much rather free boob 24/7 because I hated bras…I hate them so much more now! I almost wish I asked my surgeon to take off the nips so I could be bra less and nobody would know. My nips are useless anyway, they’re just decoration. The mastectomy took all the breast tissue and I can’t breast feed…not that I would be able to have my own kid anyway. Hopefully I’ll fall in love after I do some fat grafting…I’m currently in like. It’s just a waiting game now…G
Gel's Sueso 