Dear Diary,
Am I really a heartless person? It’s currently 9:00 am and I just responded to a woman who is complaining on one of the cancer boards I’m apart of. She’s complaining that she wants to hurt an 82 year old former nurse for saying breast cancer is the best type to have…personally I agree that old nurse isn’t wrong…my response is as follows and you decide…
“I have 2 opinions on this; the first will probably piss other people off too….One hand I can see where she’s coming from since breast cancer seems to be the most common, most researched and “easily” treated type of cancer. From the outside it appears that many women and men survive at higher rates compared to others cancers. It looks like it’s easy, the treatments are radiation, chemo, surgery, long term hormones…breasts are not essential for the body to properly function so no need to wait around for donor transplants. As a patient I’m personally grateful that I had a cancer that has given me a lot of information and I know how to best treat and attack this. It’s not an easy fight but at least I’m armed with knowledge. If I personally had a different type that was less researched I wouldn’t know about the receptors and would probably just blast it with chemo and hope for the best vs planned long term hormone therapy. My journey physically wasn’t that hard; it was testing, bilateral mastectomy and immediate recon. For me it was as simple as one surgery and done, I’ll likely do fat grafting because I kind of regret going smaller than my old boobs. I didn’t need to do radiation or chemo. Mentally and emotionally that was also fairly “easy” for me, I knew I had cancer as soon as I felt the lump and I’m a psychopath because I basically project managed my journey like I do at work and kept my feelings mostly out of it because for me my feelings would just get in the way of clarity. I had the mindset of ok, this is cancer, many people have survived and I will be one of them, many people have died and because of them research has gained valuable information that will help me, now find the best care team you can for yourself knowing what kind of personalities you want to work with, figure out what info you need to create a plan with milestones then focus on the actions I need to achieve the milestones while keeping the long term goal in mind. I’m able to compartmentalize things and I’ve cried along the way but only when I’m in actual physical pain or during the times I’ve planned for it. (I’m crazy for planning time to cry I know, but when I do have that crying time planned I found I didn’t need it because I was already over what I thought would make me cry) Last Friday I made the decision to not pursue fertility preservation because I haven’t had a burning desire to be mom this long and I doubt I’ll suddenly change my mind. My doctor asked if I was sure I didn’t want to start injections that day because I still had a chance for being able to get at least 1 viable embryo to freeze. I still walked away and my husband was good with that choice. Did it suck knowing I made the choice to never have a biological child? Yes and I was sad and felt grief in the moment but an hour later I was fine with it and when I sat down for my planned crying time nothing came out, just the realization I didn’t want kids bad enough to put myself through IVF. Long story short on the 1st hand I agree my breast cancer was better compared to my uncle still battling leukemia with his multiple rounds of chemo, blood transfusions, hospital stays and bone marrow transplants or my mother in law who passed away from metastatic liver cancer because she couldn’t get a donor liver in time. EVERY cancer journey is hard and nobody understands how hard it truly is until they have to walk the path and fight it for themselves.
But on the other hand, she’s a nosy old bitch who’s gonna die before you so 🤷🏻♀️😂 If she really can’t stfu focus on knowing YOU ARE A BAD ASS and did something so many people can’t even fathom. You looked cancer in the eye and are fighting your fight in the best way you know how. Nobody else can diminish your story unless you let them.”
Honestly I’m so freaking over all of these people on these cancer boards! 1% is great! I was able to find my surgeon from a board and I was able to learn about resources to tap into. However 99% of the posts are people bitching and complaining about cancer…like ok I get it…CANCER FUCKING SUCKS!!! I know this, my ass is living it. Sure my cancer journey is a hell of a lot easier than other people’s. I haven’t had to do chemo or radiation or had complications but that doesn’t diminish the fact that this is my 2nd experience with gynecological cancer. And honestly it may not be my last…Tamoxifen will increase my risk of endometrial cancer…I may need a hysterectomy later, who knows?! I just know I’ll deal with that later if I have to.
But fuck…I just want to shake them and say, “you know you have cancer. OK, I do too, it’s here, bitching and complaining about it isn’t gonna make it go away. Accept it, plan and fight. If you can’t get out of your own head long enough to figure it out you might as well just lay there and die because all that time and energy you’re putting into feeling sorry for yourself is time and energy you’re not putting into fighting your disease.”
Sooooo many people have told me I’m so strong and they can’t imagine being able to just get on with it like I did but honestly I don’t know any other way to do this. I don’t know how to do anything other than to think logically and not let my emotions get the best of me. I don’t think that sitting here crying over a diagnosis is going to make it go away or make anything feel better. I know that many people aren’t like me and have to process this in their own way. Hell even my family has cried over my diagnosis for me! I respect that. But not once did I ever cry because I have cancer. It’s simply an ailment like I have asthma, I will have limitations, lifestyle changes and my body is different but whatever. It’s here and something I now live with. I now need to do blood pressure in my right arm, I now know my wedding rings sometimes make my arm and hand tingle and numb, I now know my body isn’t the same and I’ll keep learning more as I go along.
Cancer doesn’t define me other than it being my astrological symbol.
I understand that some of these people are looking for validation from their peers…guess what I’m not gonna give you that validation because I don’t fucking care enough or have the emotional bandwidth to coddle you and tell you you’re a delicate flower and tell you that you’re justified in feeling some type of way. As a grown ass adult you already know that you’re entitled to feel your feelings in any way that you want. You don’t need a bunch of strangers telling you that! I also respect and understand that not everyone has my support system. I am absolutely blessed and grateful for my family and friends. I know that cancer is isolating and this pandemic isn’t helping. I know that sometimes we all just need an outlet but damn…can someone create a board where people don’t bitch and complain? Can we just have one board where it’s all info and no fucking feelings? That’s the board I’m looking for. Can someone create a board that only does complaining? That’s the one I’m gonna avoid like the plague because I really don’t have the patience for these people.
Ironically I’m over here bitching and complaining myself but this is my own little corner of the internet. Nobody else has to read this or respond to it. Nobody is forced to have to scroll through this to find info that could help them…this blog is for me to write and reflect. I’ve made it public and have shared it with everyone because I have nothing to hide. Maybe someone will it useful, idk?
The one and only thing I am hoping is that one day I’ll read my blog and think to myself, damn Gel you’re a bad ass bitch! -G
Gel's Sueso 