Dear Diary,
I went to the fertility doctor about an hour ago and did my count…it was below my self imposed target and I decided not to proceed. When I got there I even lowered my target and would do it for 7 or below…I had 5.
When I arrived I told my doctor that I had a number in mind and if we didn’t hit it then I wouldn’t proceed. He told me not to tell him the number and he was supportive of the decision and off we went follicle hunting. My heart was racing the entire time and I was sweating through the paper gown. I watched the screen and counted follicles with him. When we got to 5 I thought I was going to pass out from holding my breath hoping there weren’t any more. If that last sentence doesn’t scream this girl doesn’t want kids I don’t know will.
Last night and this morning I hoped the number would be lower than 8 because I really do think the cons outweigh the pros for me. When I think about the big picture this was the right choice. Having a kid is more selfish for me than it is to not have a kid. When I think logically it doesn’t make sense to try to stimulate my ovaries and harvest eggs with a low count. The odds of a live birth are so low that I’m putting myself through a shit show for nothing. At this point continuing with IVF poses no significant health risk to me, I have a slightly higher risk than the average IVF patient for cancer however this would be mitigated by using a medication to lower my estrogen production which in turn lowered my chances of egg stimulation. I don’t want a child enough to go through this process.
But driving home it hit me that I closed the doors to my egg factory and I will never have my own biological child. There will never be a little version of me. Initially I had multiple feelings about this. I felt sad that I had to accept I won’t be able to pass on my genes. I felt like I was mourning the loss of any potential child I would have ever had. I was disappointed that my body failed me again. I wondered if this was karma for all those years I said I didn’t want kids. I knew I would be ok not having my own kid but the finality of it still didn’t feel good. Could I have still tried just 1 round? Yes, I could have done 2 rounds of IVF with my numbers but honestly it isn’t worth the toll on my body. I simply didn’t want to.
Honestly if my oncologist blesses it I COULD try again in a year or 2 but I doubt I would want to. We also have the option of donor eggs and Jimmy’s sperm so we would be able to at least have a half biological child. And of course adoption is always a possibility as well. I know I made the right choice to walk away but it still hurts a little knowing I walked away with chips left on the table….But even when I gamble with money I always try to walk away when I’m either ahead or breaking even. I feel like I’m breaking even now and if I kept going that would be greedy. I’m walking away knowing that I’m comfortable with my choice and am confident that I have options IF (a really big mother fuckin if) I change my mind.
Update: Having a kid isn’t a priority and it never was. The fact that I was done feeling some type of way within a couple hours truly showed me that it wasn’t what I really wanted. If I truly wanted a kid, I would have proceeded with treatments and if didn’t work out I would have been absolutely devastated. At no point in this whole situation was I devastated, I felt relief then a slight sadness then relief again…so many people have reached out with support and I’m so grateful to everyone who did. Some shared admiration for my strength and I’m blown me away, I never expected to be inspiring. Some have said they’re sorry this is what happened but I’m not sorry about it…I made the choice to not continue. I’m appreciative that others feel like I would be such a good mom and are mourning for and with me but I know this the right choice…I am happy being a dog mom and I am a proud auntie…G
Gel's Sueso 