Dear Diary,
T-minus 3 days…I have my out of office replies on and I’m still checking emails. I need to stop and I know but I can’t. It’s a sick sick compulsion. Last night my team took me out for dinner. Jimmy met my team for the first time. He finally understands why I love them and why I’m so happy. It was the belly laugh I truly needed. My boss was the butt of everyone’s jokes and he took it like a champ. My team showered me with gifts, one of them was a beautiful book about a woman diagnosed with late stage cancer and how through accepting an alternative path she was able to heal. I don’t plan to go the alternative route in terms of surgery since I’m being more aggressive than I need to but I do think this will be a good read.
Today has been a crazy crazy day. Since I worked up until this point I didn’t have a chance to pick up my post surgical bras, wash them and all of the clothes I will wear after surgery, remove the dip powder on my nails and get a pedicure. I have been on the go since I woke up. Kimchi is staying at grandma’s tonight because we had dinner with C&K. It was soo soo good to spend time with them. They are truly people I know have us if we need them. They have been incredibly supportive. Last night K said something that blew me away; she said she was confident for me because she knows I did all of the research I could and I made informed decisions. It’s so simple and honestly obvious but nobody else has come out and said that. I know that I’m going into this with the mindset of making smart choices that I won’t regret but hearing someone validate it out loud was impactful. These past 2 nights have brought such joy and I know that when I’m having a tough day these are moments of normalcy that I’ll look back on and remind myself that all of the things I’m going through while tough are worth it. I won’t always be in pain, I won’t always have t-rex arms, I won’t always need to sleep on my back. In the near future I’ll be able to have full range of motion for a full life.
The other day I shared some photos and a video from the day I accepted my cancer. Although many people knew earlier some people heard about it for the first time. I am STILL overwhelmed and so appreciative of the outpouring of support, love and kindness everyone is blessing us with. So many people have reached out and my heart is too full. With this amount of energy behind me there’s no way I won’t have a successful outcome.
It just dawned on me that I mentioned I receive so much love and support in almost every post but it’s so true and I can’t help but be grateful and acknowledge everyone. From words of acknowledgement, words of affirmation, words support…I just can’t begin to explain this and how important it is to have. I’m apart of this support group for women diagnosed with breast cancer under age 40. So many women are not fortunate enough to have this Navy, Army, Air Force, tribe, whatever you wanna call it of warriors standing behind them in their battles. I know that when I fall down someone behind me WILL pick me up, dust me off and help me. I know that if God forbid any complications occur someone will continue to pray for me and my care team. I know that if I am no longer able to fight for myself someone will put me on their back and fight my fight for me until I’m able and I know that one day when I am gone someone will remember my fight and tell my story to inspire others. I AM BLESSED! Channeling Drake, Big Sean and Yeezy…Waaaay up I feel blessed. Listening to these women, their stories, struggles and lack of support makes me appreciate you all so much more. It’s heartbreaking to hear about how they don’t have someone to help them through this or that their support systems have abandoned them. I know people get busy and tired and honestly I get it. This takes a toll whether or not you’re going through it. Listening to someone going through a hard time but they’re depressed makes it even harder. I will never understand how someone can expect others to simple pause their lives for you or expect others to want to spend time with you when you’re so negative. I reach out to the group and read the forums when I’m able but damn…it brings me down more that lifts me up. If you’re praying for me please pray for them too.
Moving on…tomorrow is the last family party before my surgery. Luckily my uncle’s birthday falls on the weekend before and I’ll get to fill up on my family’s love in person. I’ll get in even more normalcy. Pre-COVID my family and I were together at least once a month. 2020 took that away from us and we only had a very small handful of times together, my birthday a couple weeks ago was the first time in a long time we had the majority together. I know I’ll eat way too much but I know I will have an awesome time simply hanging out surrounded by the people I love the most.
With that I think I’ll go start my laundry because I have a lot and not enough time…G
Gel's Sueso 