Dear Diary,
I’m exactly 1 week away…down to the minute. In 1 week I’m scheduled to be walking back to get my nerve block right now…I’m currently stressed the fuck out! I’m scrambling to get all my work done and I’m stressed the fuck out because I’m Winnie the Pooh, short and fat. Normally I’m accepting of my body regardless but not right now.
I went for my pre op appointment last week and my official height is 4’10.75 as if the BMI chart doesn’t fuck me up enough we have to round down for surgery. With my current weight I’m officially 0.01 on the BMI chart away from not being able to perform my surgery at the surgical center. I called my surgeon’s office today asking if we have a backup plan and her surgical scheduler is still trying to make it happen…as an executive assistant I fully understand the complications of her job. I have the same ones…it’s all about playing Tetris and negotiating with my counterparts to get what I need. I get that it will take a little bit of time to make things happen but I gave them a heads up LAST week that we should create a contingency plan. Apparently they were planning on hope because ain’t nobody called the hospital until today when I suggested it AGAIN! I’m sorry but as a planner/scheduler your job is to think of the worst case scenario and figure out how to mitigate them! You need to have a back up plan and even then you might a 3rd option! If only you guys saw my cancer notebook…
I’m concerned that my surgery won’t happen on Monday and I’ll have to change ALL of my documentation and change my other timelines….This is my fault, I should have tried to lose a few pounds before surgery but fuck man…I have cancer, I have a full time job and my own personal responsibilities. I’m just really fucking busy!And I’m really fucking tired!!! ALL THE DAMN TIME! This is all so exhausting. I already fast intermittently as it is, not by choice but because I don’t have time to eat during the day. This past year I’ve gained even more weight because I’m not running from building to building and walking distances to pee or get something to eat. My home is 1200 sq ft…my work commute is 3 steps from my bed, my bathroom is 13 steps from my desk and my kitchen is about 20 steps from my bedroom/office door. Sure we have Kimchi and he needs to walk and go out but his dad usually takes him out.
I’m so busy that there are days where I don’t eat, even more nights that I don’t sleep, and it’s all become one big blur and I forget if showered that day or not. I forget to respond to calls and texts that are personal because I’m so wrapped up doing other shit I thought I did it but I didn’t. If I don’t have my phone in my hand when someone is calling me or texting me…good luck getting a response. I will look at my phone, mentally respond and then I’m done. All I want to do is go the fuck to sleep! I just want one day and night where I can just sleep…everyone keeps telling me not to stress and focus on my healing. Sometimes I want to just say no shit Sherlock! I know I need to relax and not stress but then who the fuck is gonna do it all for me?
Walk into my home and you will find a house that’s truly lived in. It will never look like a magazine, everything will never be fully spotless and be in its rightful place. My husband has given up his ocd tendencies because he can’t keep up with my mess. He has learned to just let it be because it’s not worth the fight. My shit is everywhere! I’m sitting my sofa and I can see my purse on a chair, the clothes I bought yesterday in the shopping bag on the floor, the books I’m reading for work on the ottoman, hair claws on a side table and more importantly HAIR!!! My hair is everywhere…idk who sheds more, me or Kimchi. I don’t have it in me to keep my house clean and organized because I don’t have the mental capacity to do it anymore. If you have ever seen the way I clean you will know why I hate doing it so much and why I only do it when I’m mad. I DEEEEEP clean! I will spend 30 mins cleaning my faucet, not the sink, just the faucet…if I clean a room I will spend the entire day there and if I see you in that room afterwards I will go ape shit. I don’t have it me to take on anymore. I’ve hit my limit.
If you want me to cook something I’ll make you anything! Whatever you want I will buy all the supplies and figure out how to make it…but cleaning…nope! That is the one thing I delegate to Jimmy. Making sure everything else in our life runs flawlessly that’s me! I truly don’t know how to delegate anything else. I grasp everything so tightly because I am a control freak, I’m also a micromanager. I really need to learn how to say fuck it all…but I just can’t.
I’m so excited that everyone wants to hang out with me before surgery! Last Saturday we did a party with the crew, this Thursday I have dinner with one of my work teams, Friday dinner with Kyra’s parents, Saturday brunch with girl gang, Saturday lunch/dinner with my family and Sunday spa date with my sister. I’m gonna be well fed and already feel so much love…if I gain an extra pound and I have to move my surgery…fuck it! I’m trying to enjoy my support system…
Thanks to everyone for your constant words of encouragement, support and love…G
Gel's Sueso 