Dear Diary,
I’ve made an effort to always remain positive in these posts but today I’m going the opposite way. I feel like as the countdown to surgery continues the more shit is giving me anxiety. Funny enough though it’s not the surgery or aftercare that I’m worried about. The things are keeping me awake are making sure I’m wrapping all of my work projects because I’ll be out for 7 weeks, where the hell is my surgery happening/will it be pushed what’s our contingency plan, am I gonna like my new boobs, doing 2 rounds of fertility vs 1 and whether or not I push it back so it’s not 2 weeks post op, and wrapping my head around this isn’t just me going through this.
Work is work. It will always be there whether or not it’s my current job or any other. Someone will always do the tasks that need to be done. My company doesn’t save lives so I’m not worried if I drop a ball every now and then. I’ve been told by literally everyone at work not to worry about them and to focus on my health…yeah sure the control freak in me is really letting all that go and I’m not worried about it at all…I understand that work is not my life and should not come before my health and that at the end of the day, I’m expendable. I know this, I have lived this however it’s just not me to say fuck it, I’m out, see you in 7 weeks bitches.
On Monday I received a phone call from the surgical center saying they had a couple concerns with my prescreen check. The center was concerned with my BMI. Unfortunately BMI charts are bullshit when you’re short. According to the BMI chart in order for me to be “healthy” I need to lose the equivalent of a high school kid…but that’s so stupid because I’m in relatively good health and the clothes I wear are that of the average American woman, I’m proportionate all over and the other concern they had was my controlled asthma. I went to my primary doctor yesterday and did my full screening with bloodwork, EKG, stress test and everything came back normal. Dr. Bowman said I’m a slightly higher risk due to my asthma as well but did not see any reason not to continue with surgery. Today I had a conversation with my surgeon’s office to let them know about the phone call I received from the center and gave them my results from yesterday’s appointment and they were absolutely floored. They couldn’t believe that they weren’t notified of these concerns in advance and didn’t book a contingency plan at the hospital. I’m hoping they can figure it out because we are 9 days away….If this needs to get pushed that’s fine but I had plans leading up to and beyond my surgery date. I need to reschedule everything and make sure I have enough time to make necessary arrangements.
Will I like how my new boobs will look and feel? I know 3 things; 1 they will be smaller than they currently are 2 they will have a scar under the nipple making my boobs look like they have lollipops on them 3 they will feel heavier and colder compared my current boobs. I understand that implants will not look and feel like my natural breasts and I’m ok with that. I do want them to look and feel as naturally possible, hence paying out of pocket for nerve preservation. I am very happy with how they look now and I’m hoping that I can keep a very similar look. One of the areas of concern I have is the upper pole. I’m hoping that they don’t ripple and show or have an indentation in the natural slope. I know that can be fixed with fat grafting at a later time and honestly I’m ALLLLLL FOR IT!!! DO IT NOW!!! But that’s a conversation for another day. I also know that the high cohesive silicone is safer, more natural feeling and will give the best aesthetics I still don’t want that weird gap and it’s obvious I had a boob job. As for the extra weight and cold feeling there’s nothing I can do about that….Apparently your boobs get cold because they’re not insulated…another plus for fat grafting…As for the weight I guess that’s the perk of going smaller, they’re likely weigh as much as they do now.
Fertility….I don’t even know anymore. I feel like I talk about this in practically every post…I have a plan, I’m not sure if I should continue with this plan or modify…I guess I’ll play it by ear and see what happens.
Lastly this whole concept that it’s not just me is extremely difficult for me to wrap my head around. I know the motto is nobody does this alone or nobody goes through this alone or whatever it is and I get that. I totally get that I’m being supported 100% by the best family and friends I could ever imagine…I have such an overwhelming support system that I don’t know what to do with it all. I am so grateful and blessed for this support…Maybe it’s because I’m so independent and I’m the one who has the cancer in her body, I’m the one with the physical toll of surgery and fertility treatments, the one scheduling every appointment, going to every appointment, following up with all the appointments, staying on top of insurance, researching the shit out of everyone and everything basically I’m the one that just tries to keep her own damn sanity through it all. It’s me doing it…nobody is doing it for me. Sure people are along for the journey and walking by my side but nobody is wearing my Choos and doing it. I’m probably the worst wife in the world for saying this and for airing out our dirty laundry but is so hard for me to think that Jimmy is also going through this. Obviously I know that he will be my primary caregiver post op and that has his own struggle with this because of his prior experience. I know he’s said he wishes it was him instead of me having to deal with this, I know he has very strong feelings about cancer. I don’t want to diminish his feelings but at the same time when he told me yesterday that he is truly concerned about the choices I’m making because they also affect him, it gave me pause. My initial reaction was wanting to yell at him and tell him to fuck off because he’s not doing this shit. He doesn’t have to deal with the physical and same mental toll and he gets an option to not attend every appointment. He gets the luxury of getting to see a very limited scope of the shit that actually happens and gets an even smaller window of options that I want his opinion on. He get an extremely sanitized version of the data dump that is my brain. By the time he gets the information, it’s been researched, scrubbed and is exactly what I want him to see. In this entire time not once has he come to me with any research or articles that would be interesting for me to dive into, not once have I seen him reading about my disease, potential treatment options or even articles of wtf to expect post op and why so many women have multiple reconstruction surgeries. I don’t even think he reads my blog. Maybe he does all of this and doesn’t share with me though, I honestly don’t know what if any research he’s done. I wanted to throw in face that every time I wanted his opinion he has continuously told me, “it’s up to you.” So yeah it felt like a big fat slap in the face for him to suddenly have the audacity to make it about him and say that I’m being selfish for not considering how he feels through this. Am I bitch for saying all this and feeling this way? Yeah I am and I know it. I own it and to be honest I’m ok with that because ultimately it’s my body. I’m gonna do whatever makes me comfortable and makes me feel good about myself. I will not settle because it’s the easier thing to do. I want what I want and will do what I need to do so that I’m satisfied. Do I feel bad that I never looked at this from his perspective, absolutely. I feel horrible for not taking his feelings into account and for not thinking beyond myself. Frankly I’m here at the bottom of Maslow’s pyramid and I’m still stuck at the 2nd from the bottom, I’m still trying to make sure my own needs are met before I can think about other’s. There’s a reason why you’re told to always put your own oxygen mask on before helping others, there’s a reason why first responders don’t go rushing into a situation when it’s not safe…if you can’t take care of and help yourself, you can’t help and can’t take care of someone else. You will go down with that person too…instead of rescuing one person the others now have to rescue 2…
Sometimes I feel like I’m floundering with all of this. Having a life threatening disease isn’t easy, sure mine is seemingly simple and I’m truly ok and play it off well but fuck…sometimes it hits me…I have fucking cancer and I have to deal with the both short and long term treatments and effects of my life. This isn’t something that I can just brush off after surgery like my tonsillectomy, 3 years later and my choices absolutely make no difference. This is going to be more akin to my cholecystectomy. I’ve had to make modifications to my daily lifestyle. I know that if I eat something greasy I need to be prepared to shit myself if I don’t find a bathroom right away. So yeah I’m gonna think twice before eating a cheeseburger and fries. I’m not making any excuses for myself because I should be considering his needs. He’ll be my caretaker and this is a difficult time for him. He lost his mom to cancer and I’m sure at more than one point he’s wondered if he will lose his wife to cancer too. He was right that I didn’t stop to think outside of myself and to feel empathetic towards his situation. I love this man so much, we have put in work every single day for 15 years. Each morning we make a conscious decision to be together, he is in my life not because I need him, but because I want him. He promised to be with me in sickness and in health…well here we are. For better or for worse, it’s not the best time we’ve shared but it’s also not the worst part. He truly is an amazing man and I don’t know what life would be like without him in it. I don’t know how my life would turned out if he wasn’t with me for the past 15 years. Would I have this home, would I have Kimchi, would I even have this career?! We have built a really good life together. He knows there is nothing I wouldn’t do to ensure his happiness and wellbeing. But in that same vein I wonder if he or anyone else that’s supporting me has tried to put themselves in my shoes….I do a damn good job of keeping my emotions in check , being positive and having my shit together through all of this. How many people can truly say that they can walk my path and do it with the same even keel? How many people would be devastated and unable to resume their normal activities like it’s no big deal….honestly I’m looking at this cancer situation as a speed bump, take calculated risks, slow down and move on….There’s a quote that resonates with me daily, not just when it comes to cancer but life in general…”Before you start to judge me, step into my shoes and walk the life I’m living, and if you get as far as I am, just maybe you’ll see how strong I really am..”
Maybe it’s the anxiety and my hormones that are talking right now…but this is all the shit that has weighed on me and shit that’s constantly on my mind….writing is therapeutic and I’m hoping that now that these things are “on paper” they will no longer take up space. -G
Gel's Sueso 