Dear Diary,
Today was one of the most rewarding and most pure days I’ve had in a long time. My sister and I share a hair stylist and today was her turn in the chair. If you know my sister you know she has HAIR! I’m always amazed at how long, thick and beautiful it is…the downside to this is it takes her much longer than the average person to get her hair done. The plus side was she brought the baby over for me to babysit. I worked as much as I was able to but today my focus was my little mermaid.
She’s turning 1 in a couple weeks and she is ready to conquer the world! She’s just starting to walk and is able to speak a few words. Yelling DOG is one of her favorites. She and her cousin Kimchi FaceTime every week or so and she gives no fucks about me and wants to see Kimchi. Today was her first time playing with him for real. Kimchi was super jealous of all the attention she got today. She was in my lap and when I put her down he jumped right into my lap in the same spot. He wanted to sniff her and lick her, he was told not to kiss her face…he did anyway and she laughed it off. They really enjoyed seeing each other and playing together.
I love her so much. A couple months ago as she was falling asleep I told her so. I told her that she was the long awaited ray of sunshine and I promise to never let anything bad happen to her. I promised her that I would be there if she ever needed me. In order for me to be a long term fixture in her life I need to beat this cancer. I know that I can and I know that I will. Today was such a refreshing treat to just witness life through her eyes. It was just one day but at her age one day makes a huge difference. She learned how to wash her hands during a Cocomelon song and it’s very clear she comes from a home with surgical nurses…her scrub in game is on point. Her mom said she’s never done that before.
Today we watched some Cocomelon, listened to Black Pink, played with Kimchi and they both fell asleep on the patio. We also went to lunch and Target. Today was just one big purity break.
I was asked today if I made up my mind regarding fertility…I decided to just do it…it’s free and it’s such a waste if I don’t. How can I truly deprive myself of the option to have a child if I really want one later? This is solely an insurance plan.
As much as I enjoyed playing all day and spending real quality time with her I don’t know if I want a baby even more or if it’s discouraging me from wanting one. She was such a happy girl today, sure she got a little fussy and her sassiness began to show but for the most part it was an amazing day! She has the cutest personality to match her cute face and I know that one day when she needs to she will also advocate for herself. It’s so weird to say but I truly admire this kid! I admire who she is becoming and am in awe of this little girl.
Kimchi was definitely jealous, I don’t know how he would feel if this was a permanent thing. How can I put the feelings of my dog so high up on my priority list? I love my dog, he’s been with me through some of the hardest moments of my life and will be there as I overcome these obstacles. Kimchi has been a source of unconditional love and like I said before, he’s enough for me for now. Kimchi is very spoiled and knows he’s well loved.
Also babies are a lot of work, I truly loved spending the day with her but I finally finished my actual work at 11:00 pm because I prioritized her. I don’t regret it all. Days like today are like lightening in a bottle, it’s fleeting and doesn’t come around very often. Eventually she won’t want to cuddle with me or want to play with me all day. I also won’t be able to carry her for a couple months so I wanted to milk today for all it was worth.
I appreciate my time with her extra because I miss her big brother so much. He was so chill and the happiest kid. He is who I want to be, someone who just rolls with it and faces challenges head on. I want to be able to say I’m as courageous as he was.
I loved today but I honestly don’t know if I can do this daily. I’m so tired and I won’t be able to implant this potential embryo for another 2 years…I’ll be 39! Do I really want to have my first kid at damn near 40? If I’m tired now won’t I be more tired then? Can I really see myself as a human mom? I can see it and I know I wouldn’t just be good, I would be fan fucking tastic because of my background and experience. I know my husband would be the best partner for me to raise a child with. I know he would keep our kid laughing all the time and honestly my kid wouldn’t have any eyes when they smiled but they would be cute af…and if it’s not…I blame the Korean side. But if a child is in the cards great and if not great.
I am a proud auntie. I love these kiddos like my own and I will protect them with my whole life. My Romeo, Nathan and Akari I love you more than you will ever know and I will never stop. I will always be in your corner, cheering for you, advocating for you and being a safe haven for you.
And to my other nieces and nephews Auntie Gel/Mama G loves you. I will always be a source of strength to help you pursue your goals and I will always encourage you to follow your dreams.
This went deeper than I expected but I’m so glad it ended up here. I love being an auntie and I love spending quality time with the ones I love. I hope you all take a purity break for yourself because you deserve it…G
Gel's Sueso 