Dear Diary,
It’s currently 1:30 in the morning and as I tired as I am I can’t sleep. I have 2 sleep patterns, I’m out by 10:30 pm or I’m awake until 3:30 am. On occasion I’ll fall asleep around midnight and I love those nights…Sleep has always been elusive.
I had a migraine the other day so I tried to just sleep it off. I would have loved to take another day off yesterday but I’m so behind at work I knew I had to power through it.
Yesterday was a mixed bag of emotions and I’m still trying to process them. I am truly grateful for my diagnosis and prognosis. I keep saying that I know I’m lucky and I truly am. This could absolutely be worse, I hope it doesn’t get worse and I hope this is all going to go according to plan. 99.99% of the time I am focusing on the good and not thinking about the potential complications nor do I focus on unfavorable results. I have never once imagined myself as the frail girl at the hospital sitting in a wheelchair, wearing a robe/ugly gown and head scarf. I have never once pictured myself as cancer patient with a long and difficult road. At 18 and again at 36/37 I have only considered myself a surgical patient with a tumor that needs to be removed.
Yesterday I received a text that was both uplifting and somewhat sad. My relatives visited a shrine to the patron saint of people suffering from cancer, AIDS and other life threatening illnesses. They dedicated a prayer intention on my behalf and I am so appreciative they thought of me. This was uplifting because I know they want me be healed and they love me enough to do this for me. The down side to this is when I personally think of someone sick with a life threatening illness I picture someone who’s super kawawa (pitiful) obviously this isn’t always the case but that’s just my immediate thought. I got sad because I never want my family or friends to ever have to imagine me as that girl, I’m pretty sure that was also the image everyone got when they heard I have cancer…don’t lie and pretend you didn’t either. I got sad because I thought of all the people who don’t have the same support system and have worse conditions than I do. I was sad because there are people dying with nobody to pray for them. If you are someone who prays please keep those people in your prayers too.
Another awkward thing that happened was I started to hyperventilate during my staff meeting. We KNOW I’m a planner…I live in calendars and one the things I do is plan and schedule. My boss asked about my leave dates and while I was talking I looked at the calendar and it hit me like a ton of bricks…I’m having surgery in almost 2 weeks!!! I said “holy shit that’s almost 2 weeks..I’m not ready. I need to do my transition plans and wrap everything that needs to be done.” Then I started hyperventilating…every person on that call told me to breathe…luckily our team is only 6 people so it wasn’t too horrible but for the first time my team saw me crack. In Jimmy’s birthday post to me he said he’s amazed and impressed at how unbothered and unaffected I am by challenges and here I am losing it at work. When I’m at work or in situations that aren’t ideal I always try to be a duck…I try to look calm to the world but I’m paddling furiously under the surface. That’s always been me at work…maintain professionalism and try really fucking hard to not let anyone see me sweat. Of course there are people at work that I can confide in and lean on but losing it today was embarrassing. Thankfully they all understood. Again another amazing support system!
Since I started going down that slippery slope of negative thoughts it got me considering what if shit goes wrong? What if my lymph nodes are actually positive and I do need chemo? What if I’m like one of those women who needs multiple reconstruction surgeries? What if I don’t like how my new boobs look? What if my body straight up rejects the implants? What if I’m one of the patients that nerve preservation doesn’t work for? Then I fucking paid thousands of dollars out of pocket for fucking nothing. What if I one day become the kawawa ass patient I never imagined I would be? What if I got an infection or other complications?Hell what if I died on the table or in the pacu? How much is this shit really gonna hurt? All of these unlikely scenarios have run through my head. I know they probably won’t happen aside from me not being 100% happy with the recon but I knew going into it I may not be. But fake boobs are better than no boobs, but no boobs is better than being dead. All of the things that I’ve pushed down came rising to the surface. I’m not saying any of this because I believe they will happen, but they are valid concerns. Being negative isn’t helpful so I’m going to end this paragraph with my daily manifestation…Thank you for my healing.
I selected my care team based on their qualifications, unique skill set, patient recommendations and my comfort level with them. I know I made the right choices and I know I’m in good hands. I have absolutely no regrets about these decisions. I just need to figure out how to keep pushing the negative thoughts away and bring more positive energy.
My goal is to find the silver lining each day. Yesterday’s was getting the approval from my boss to do half a dozen site tours next week. It may not seem like much but I LOVE event planning. I enjoy something other than my daily routine and I am a hotel junkie! I love sleeping in a new location and getting to chill with room service. I miss traveling for work, I miss traveling for leisure. I miss traveling in general and my Marriott Titanium status. I literally want to stay at the Marriott down the street because I want a change of scenery! My favorite part about traveling for work is that it’s paid for, it’s a beautiful location and venue and I get the points. Some people hate work travel ie Jimmy but then again he stayed in shitty hotels…I get The Gaylord in Orlando, Grand Velas in Riviera Maya, Andaz Maui, Lodge in Sonoma, Carneros Ranch, Terranea and other resorts…I get LUXURY. I’m so excited that I get to plan an offsite for 2 weeks after my return to work. After being stuck at home for 8 weeks I’ll definitely be looking forward to a hotel again.
Another goal for myself is to uplift someone else…today’s words of wisdom…“Ask for help. Not because you are weak but because you want to remain strong.” I didn’t realize how much lighter my body, mind and soul would feel from sharing my story and asking for help when I need it. I know I’m strong and will beat this. My cousin is a professional MMA fighter and he thinks that with my mindset my cancer is getting smashed…he’s right. This cancer is getting a round house to the head to knock it down, then it’s going to get a rear naked choke to deprive its source and then that bitch is out!!! I got this and YOU got whatever obstacle is in the way today…if you need me, just ask and I got you…G
Gel's Sueso 