Dear Diary,
I’m a lucky girl, I know this. I have a really good life. I’m fortunate to have the absolute best support system both personally and professionally. I have built a life that could be considered enviable by some. When you take a quick glance at my life you would see I drive a nice car, I own a home in the Bay Area that my husband and I purchased ourselves without any financial help, I haven’t lived with my parents to help subsidize costs whilst saving for a house, my living expenses are always paid on time, I’m able to go on fun trips each year, sometimes multiple trips a year, I have designer purses and closet full of Choos and Loubs, to the outside world it seems as though I have it together. I do…I can honestly say I have paid for every milestone for the last 15 years of my life. I didn’t ask my parents to help me when I got married, I never asked for help when I bought my cars, I didn’t ask for anything when I bought my house. Everything I have accomplished as an adult has been a direct result of my efforts. Obviously Jimmy has played his part in financing our life too but again going to milestones… We haven’t asked for help. Sure, my parents have helped me with a bill every now then if I’m short but for 99.9% of the time I’m financially independent.
I was delivered quite the blow last week, it was a 1-2 combo which definitely had me seeing some motherfuckin stars…I got hit, took it on the chin but never fell down on the mat.
Because I just started my new job I don’t qualify for FMLA… which only gives me an option for short term disability and that means I would only be getting paid at 60% of my original salary and I don’t have enough PTO to true up the additional 40%…ok that sucks and it’s still manageable but holy shit that sucks…I went to bed that night and thought ok, where can I scale back for a couple of months? I woke up with the perspective of, “it’s still ok…we’ll figure it out and make it work. We always do.” A few hours later I received a call from my surgeon’s office. Dr. Ziv isn’t covered by insurance….dun dun dun…then I come to find I have to pay a few thousand dollars up front at my pre-op appointment….I was like, what?! I’m sorry what?! What did you just say?! The nerve preservation isn’t medically necessary but it’s so stupid to let a few thousand dollars stop me from preserving an integral part of me. He is literally the only surgeon in the world that does this and I have the opportunity to do this. So many women have lost feeling in their bodies and never knew this was an option…So my solution to come up with money up front was to do the unthinkable and ask my mommy for some help and to sell the remainder of my vested Google stocks. I was hoping to save it for a rainy day but if this doesn’t qualify for a rainy day then idk what does….As much as it sucks it’s only money. I can always buy more stocks or buy another purse or redo my kitchen but I will never be able to do my nerves again.
I work for a start up so we’re a little more agile, we don’t currently have a precedence on how to handle cancer leaves of absences, so I took it upon myself to talk to our SVP of People and tell him that I need more options, I need more support at work. Everyone at work keeps telling me they want to do everything they can so I focus on recovery…All I hear is don’t worry, we’ll make sure your work is covered and you won’t have to think about us at all…Well how the fuck am I gonna focus on recovery on that when I’m thinking about the rapidly piling medical bills?
Getting time on my SVP’s calendar is the easy part…I’m his EA and business partner. My boss is a wonderful man, he genuinely cares about me as a person and values my wellbeing. Part of our weekly calls is a touch point to see what/if any news I have regarding my case. He has been very supportive and has given me as much time as I need when I have appointments and for my upcoming leave. As a person he’s freakin awesome! As a boss he’s the best boss I’ve had….However coming up with another solution to figure out how to walk the balance of ensuring my financial well being and need to stay home to recover is the harder part…can I just have some free PTO? Can you just let me borrow against future PTO? If you know of a creative solution we can try I’m all ears. I’m working with my People Team peers to figure out a way that allows me to stay home and fully recover and not worry about work but also a way that doesn’t force me to have to come early due to a lack of income.
The goal is for me to be able to take the time my body needs but if it means going back sooner so I’m able to pay my bills, shiiiit… I probably would because I don’t wanna go into more debt for this.
I’m not saying this because I’m looking for someone to start a GoFundMe on my behalf or anything like that now. Perhaps in the future if chemo becomes my reality maybe…I wouldn’t shut the door on that later nor would I turn down anyone offering to just give me money to help offset some of these medical and household bills. Everything helps but at the same time this is my body, this is my illness, these are my household bills, this is my responsibility. I made the choice to purchase this home, the car I drive, incur the credit card debt I currently have. I didn’t choose to have cancer but I’m grateful for the one I have, my breast cancer is an easily treatable cancer with an excellent prognosis. The cost of cancer treatments and health care in general in our country are insane. I’m grateful for the health coverage I have and that compared to other people it’s freaking great and “relatively” inexpensive. We all have shit to pay for and I would never want someone to feel guilted into anything or feel like if they offered help then they would be lacking for themselves. That is absolutely not where I’m going with this….again this is me just sharing my thoughts and what’s going through my head. I’m literally fleshing all of this as I go. I do wish I could wave a magic wand and make all it go away…the cancer, the bills, all of it.
I know that I’m blessed. I know that I’ve worked my ass off for the life I’m building. I know that I’m successful and I’m on the right path. I know God is good. I know He knows my plan and I just have to trust in Him…I got this and I know I will be ok. -G
Gel's Sueso 