Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

We know that I was perfectly fine hearing my results. I was and am ok with this because I know at the end of the day this cancer will not kill me. Is there a chance that complications can occur from treatment? Yeah but that’s not something to focus on. The perspective here is this is breast cancer…my surgeon is going to cut out my boobs and give me new ones. This is an easy fix. This isn’t leukemia, this isn’t brain cancer, this isn’t something that has a more complicated road to survive. Have I cried? Every so often I will get sad and get frustrated when I think about the road ahead but I fully accept this diagnosis. I’m ok with this.

Through this process I’ve shared with some people out of necessity, some for support and some because I felt like it.

My husband’s reaction was not like my own but his cancer experience is not like my own. Cancer has impacted me differently, it was my own cervix (also solved but just cutting some out) my grandma and her breast, her sisters and their breasts, it’s my uncle and leukemia and other relatives and friends who I love and loved dearly but none of them were someone that would profoundly impact me if I lost them. My mother in law lost her battle with metastatic colon cancer. Her cancer spread to her liver and she wasn’t able to overcome it. She tried chemo, radiation and surgeries, ultimately Heaven gained an angel.

I didn’t have the opportunity to meet the woman who raised the man I’m building a life with. I love her for who she was and I’m grateful for her. I never met her and truly wish I did. How do you miss someone you never met? Sometimes I imagine the conversations I would have had with her and I’m comforted knowing she would have loved me back.

I know that hearing that I had cancer was a complete shock and was devastating to my husband. The first person he ever loved didn’t survive this disease. I don’t think he’s broken but I don’t think he ever recovered fully from this loss. I would never expect him to, there is a piece missing from his life and hearing that his wife has the same disease was a tough blow. 

Cancer is funny though, not every cancer is the same, not everyone will experience the same results but it’s always hard to hear and process.

Unfortunately for him I got my news in between meetings, so before I jumped into my next meeting with my new boss, I popped my head into his office and said, “I got my results back, it’s cancer. It’s a good kind, we’ll talk more about it but don’t worry.” Then I walked into my office and met with my boss. Looking back I could have handled this better but I had to make do with what I had. I knew I couldn’t tell anyone else before him. 

While I met with my boss he called our friends Jat and Crystal to tell them what was happening. They knew the background because I asked Crystal about the biopsy, she focuses on hearts but I thought she might have info from colleagues or from prior education. In this time frame of me talking to my boss he also was able to share the news with his brother and one more person… 

He did it out of fear, concern, and a knee jerk moment. I know this but that absolutely does not change the fact that I was fucking pissed. This is my business and is my choice to tell people on my own terms! I went off, mainly because I was still salty he told everyone about my new job before I was ready. I was like here we go again…not even a month later and you’re sharing MY news…bruh let me do this my way and stop fucking talking to everyone about me.

Now that he’s sat with this news he’s totally fine. I’m sure he’s still worried about me and has his moments where he’s just pissed or experiencing some level of PTSD but he’s been more than supportive. I’ve frustrated him with all my appointments because I’ve wanted him to come to some and I know I haven’t exactly consulted with him prior to scheduling but my calendar is based off of my work and not his. He’s my cheerleader when I need him to be.

The next person to hear I have cancer was my boss…if you don’t know what I do I’m a C-Suite executive assistant. My boss is one of the nicest and most genuine people I’ve ever met. During our first real 1:1 he asked how my appointment was from Friday and I told him. He’s the SVP of People (HR) and would eventually find out the diagnosis. I wanted to be upfront since I knew I would need time to go to all of these appointments to figure out my treatment plan. He has been nothing but supportive and is willing to work around my schedule.

I also told my brother before I did the biopsy. Jeffy knew because if I had the BRCA genes he would need to be genetically tested as well. He has a son and if he had the gene there’s a chance he would have passed to Mo. I wanted him to be aware if he were to have a daughter in the future. I know he doesn’t plan to have more kids but shit happens…better to be prepared than not. My brother’s reaction to me having cancer was very blasé, he was like, “Oh. You’ll be ok.” And that was that. I love my brother more than life itself and would do anything and everything for him and I know he feels the same but he isn’t the lovey kind of brother. He is just very practical which is weird because he doesn’t always make the most practical decisions for himself….

Next up I called my dad. My dad and I are not the closest. We have a mutual respect for one another but I am not the daughter that speaks with her dad on any sort of consistent basis. I talk to my dad when I need to or whenever I feel like it. He does the same. I called my dad to get more info on my lola’s cancer. He passed me on to my lola and this is how our conversation went…think thick Filipino accent, “tion” is “shun” radiation is rad-yay-shun. Breast cancer becomes breest cun-sir…think along those lines…

Lola- “Oh ano?” (oh what is it? I swear it doesn’t come off bitchy, that’s just her normal greeting to everyone)

Me- Lola, I have breast cancer. Can you tell me more about yours?

Lola- Oh I had breast cancer.

Me- Yes I know, what else can you tell me?

Lola- Right.

Me- Is that all? Only right?

Lola- Yeah, right breast cancer in my right breast. When I was 65, I just retired and then had a mammogram. They found cancer so I did radiation, chemo and mastectomy. You know my scar, you’ve seen it. (uh yeah…that scar still fucking haunts me! As a kid I wasn’t yelled at, I was shown the freakin scar) Technology is has changed since then. It will be ok. 

Me- Thanks lola, I appreciate you sharing with me.

Lola- You will be ok, technology has changed. We’ll pray.

That was a conversation that I keep replaying because here I am with all this knowledge of my cancer and she literally only knew which side it was. She was right…technology has changed and to all of the women and men who succumbed to this I am grateful for you, I’m grateful that we were able to learn from your disease so that my team is able to have your experience to make better decisions in my care. To those who have survived breast cancer, I am looking forward to being your peer and knowing I’ve faced cancer head on and won. I will come out with Angela 2 – Cancer 0. I am grateful that my experience will be used for future breast cancer survivors and patients. 

My adopted little sister Jaimee has helped in ways she doesn’t even know. Not only is she a vault of my deepest darkest secrets (usually, she let one out a lifetime ago and it didn’t end well lol), she uses her nursing background to help with my medical decisions. She also has given me the best distraction…our little mermaid Ari has been a constant source of joy. Watching her grow and hit her milestones has been such a pure experience for me. I like to watch videos of her and call them purity breaks. It’s just a break from the chaos that’s happening. She is learning the world around her and everything is a new experience. If I’m having a tough day I know my sister is there with a new photo or video. My sister has my back and I’m blessed to have her.

My cousin Sha has been super supportive through this. She knew early because I wanted to make sure she was prepared that she may have to have genetic testing as well. Luckily she doesn’t have to. She is also one of the nurses I have on standby. She will come help Jimmy with drain management and get me all the shit I need post op. Sha was my human Barbie doll, I played with her and she was little side kick, now my side kick has become the hero. As we’ve grown our conversations have evolved and are now relevant to our current lives. I’m so proud of my mini me and I know she’s proud of me too.

Girl gang…T&S we text every single day! Sure it’s not always cancer related (thank god for that) but you have been with me for every step and send me boba when I need a pick me up. Sometimes you two get more info that I’m not willing to share with anyone because you are my safe space. If I haven’t said it yet, thank you.

Crystal…my SR bestie…You have been a godsend. Not only have you and Jat been so supportive and helpful with me, you’re Kimchi’s other parents. If he’s not at my house, my mom’s or daycare he’s at your house. You have always volunteered to watch him and help us in any way you can. I know your kids love him (and we love your kids so much too) but it’s not easy having another puppy around. It’s because of you Crys that I’m writing again…you inspired me to do this. You are doing such a great job coming out of your shell and sharing your story! I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you.

Since we’re going down this road of appreciation I also have to thank R&R and the only Mr. Jackson that matters in my world. I don’t know how to express my gratitude. I can always count on R&R to keep my glass full and a smile on my face. I can’t be drinking anymore but mocktails are always going to be onboard…You know that one friend who makes you drink until you end up in the ER…yeah that’s you and I’m not about that life anymore lol Mr. Jackson…omg I love you. Without you I would have never met Jimmy, without you we would starve at our parties, without you life would not be complete. You have been incredibly supportive through this, your random texts of care and concern have been such a blessing. I know you 3 have me and more importantly you have Jimmy.

My brother and sister in law have been so helpful in keeping us sane. My husband needs another person to help him keep it all together sometimes and the best person for that is his brother. Mike knows what Jimmy’s been through with their mom and he knows his brother better than anyone else. He can read him the way I do, anticipate the things that will set him off and will know how to uplift him. My sister, not my sister in law ok…my sister.. where do I even begin to describe her…if I had to pick one word other than supportive, it’s positivity. She’s always down for whatever…a couple months ago I said something about wanting to do something and she said, idk what that is, but I’m down! That is the kind of support I need in my life and love her for! We haven’t always had the smoothest ride throughout the years but she is my ride or die!

I have 2 moms. One is my biological mom (Mommy), I love her, she’s amazing and I want to be here when I grow up. She is who I would love to be as a mom…the constant volunteer for school, the one who makes sure I’m able to follow MY dreams and doesn’t push her agenda on me. She loves unconditionally and cares for people with her whole heart. Her intentions are always good and is always wanting to help. My mommy takes your problem and turns them into her own. The other is her sister (mom)…she helped raise me and I’m so grateful for her. She taught me that I don’t need to have my own child to love someone so fully. She eventually had the twins but for 25 years I was the one she treated as her child. That is how I treat Mo and Ari and my other nieces and nephews. I love them as my own children and I love them wholeheartedly. Telling them my moms was the hardest. My mom cried, she told me not to tell my grandma yet. She was very supportive though and just wants me to be healthy…My mommy…well let’s just say I was very apprehensive about telling her. She is the type to research articles and send them…I just realized this is where I get my CIA research skills from…I didn’t want her to research things that aren’t relevant and to be honest I just didn’t want to scare her. Some of the rabbit holes I went down are places I would never want to expose her to. I eventually told her and it was scary…I expected her to cry, to be mad, to be sad, it was nothing, zero reaction. She accepted it as easily as I did. I later found out that she cried when she was alone so she could be strong in front of me. I know they both want me to just be healthy to focus on my energy on healing.

Eventually I’ll tell Mama my other grandma closer to surgery but for now I will leave her to her blissful ignorance. My Mama…I don’t have the words to express how much I love her. I know she is extremely strong mentally, emotionally and physically, she had 6 kids! That shit ain’t easy..hell idk if I even 1! But I’m also her medical mini me…she had gallbladder surgery, I did too, she had carpal tunnel issues and surgery, I’m having issues too, my grandma has 2 new titanium hips, hell I see that happening in my life. She had an eye lift because the skin was obscuring her vision…one day it will probably happen too. I know that she can handle this but I just want her to live her life and not worry about me more than necessary.

Let me be perfectly clear…If I have not personally mentioned you in this post or shared my diagnosis with you before making this public it is absolutely not because I don’t appreciate you. I do, I love each and every one of you. You are in my life because I want you to be. This evolved from me explaining why I shared with certain people. There are definitely people that have helped me through this process in many ways. Some are as simple as telling me they know I can beat this and some are much more complex but I truly don’t have enough words to convey my appreciation. With that I think I’ll just leave with saying THANK YOU! I APPRECIATE YOU! I LOVE YOU! -G