Dear Diary,
Lemme preface this by saying right now the trend is doing photo dumps on IG. I’m not gonna dump a ton of seemingly random but carefully selected photos but I am gonna drop a lot of shit in this very first chapter….
Holy shit it’s been forever since I did this. Idk about you but I missed you. I missed having a place to collect my thoughts and having my own repository of secrets. Not to sound stupid but sometimes you were my best friend…Caren was definitely my best friend and still is one of the best people I know…queue Doja Cat & Saweetie my best friend, “she’s a real bad bitch, got her own money, she don’t need no nig…” In fact she was one of the very first people I told about my diagnosis.
Let me give you the semi quick and dirty version of how I got back here after over 2 decades worth of hiatus. I HAVE BREAST CANCER…there I said it. The boobs that I’m so proud of and love so much have fucking failed me. At 36 the rest of my body had basically gone to shit, that ass I was so in love with in my teens and early 20’s has started to sag and no longer brings all the boys to the yard, the tiny waist I used to have has expanded way more than I ever thought possible and while my face still puts me in my 20’s, I’m beginning to see some early signs of aging…so where did that leave me? While the rest of my body was becoming something I wasn’t the most proud of anymore, my boobs were the one thing I still had going for me…can’t be mad at DD’s…
So what kind of cancer is this? It’s invasive ductal mucinous carcinoma, 2.7 cm, basically 2 gummy bears wide and 1 gummy bear deep. This is a less common cancer but is the best kind to have. Why? It doesn’t typically travel to the lymph nodes and most people don’t have to do chemo. If I’m being honest I’m taking this whole cancer situation in stride and I’m not afraid to lose my boobs but my hair…the hair that I invest thousands of dollars in year after year…fuck that! I would lose my fucking shit!!! Anyway, I’ve met with multiple oncologists, radiation oncologists, surgeons, plastic surgeons, genetic counselors, nurses, pathologists, reproductive endocrinologists, and even a chiropractor and acupuncturist and literally every single one has said I have an excellent prognosis and if it their mother, daughter, sister, wife and friend had breast cancer they would want it to be mine. I found it quickly and hopefully by September I’ll be 100% done with cancer treatment and will be back to a somewhat regular life. If I do need chemo it will be approximately 4 months added on so probably January…I’m hoping it’s done before because I don’t want to do chemo. I told my oncologist I will only do chemo if it’s a life or death situation.
So where do we begin…I have had a regular period for fucking ever!!! Ever since I was 13 years old my period has been clockwork. It would come on the 3rd Friday of every month between 2-5 am and would stay until Tuesday. My “heavy” day was the average person’s medium. I would use light Tampax tampons or Always Ultra #2 because my periods were really easy and chill. Am I gonna lie and say I never had a pregnancy scare? Nope I’ve had them and I’ve even had a miscarriage but for the overall view 95% my periods have been regular. After getting married I stopped taking birth control because why bother? We were open to having kids, we didn’t ever say “yeah let’s actively try to have a baby” but we also didn’t avoid having one either…I lied yes we did once and then I was laid off the next day so we said nope never mind …for 23 years my period was old faithful…
Then COVID hit, one month my period was fine, the next I basically skipped a period, then the 3rd month I basically bled for 3 weeks straight. This trend continued for almost a year. I tracked it but wasn’t too concerned because it’s just a period. The super heavy periods are horrible, everything hurts and I’m basically gushing out blood and blood clots. It’s so gross and I’m so uncomfortable. Some mornings I wake up and my bed looks like a crime scene. Idk how Jimmy has lived with this because I don’t wanna have to deal with it….I use overnight pads, wear Thinx period underwear, use shorts and sleep on a disposal pad but still….it’s just heavy and I eat a ton of iron so I don’t become anemic.
I have controlled asthma, I wasn’t trying to get COVID just because my period was irregular. When COVID was first discovered I was suuuuper diligent and not going anywhere. Nobody knew anything about this virus and I sure as shit wasn’t trying to die over a damn period.
Surprise surprise, March of this year was the 3rd period of my weird cycle and it was so heavy I seriously considered going to the ER across the street because there was so much blood loss. I made an appointment with my new OBGYN…I’ve had the same OBGYN since I was 19, I was one of his 1st patients when he was a resident. I left his practice when we moved to Fremont for a little bit but as soon as we moved back to the South Bay it was back on! The OG Nguyen was my doctor again and all was right in the world…then we bought our first home in San Ramon and I needed a new doctor…
Enter Dr. Nguyen 2.0…I made an appointment to see him on March 8th. On the night of March 6th I was in the shower and didn’t have a new Korean scrub mitt so I washed my body with my hands. While washing my left boob I felt a little lump and made note of it. I chalked it up to my boob is weird because my period is off but I asked Jimmy if he ever noticed it anyway. He said no but insisted I talk to Dr. Nguyen 2.0 at my appointment. So on March 8th I gave him a detailed gynecological history, explained my newly irregular menses and the lump on my boob. Mind you this is my absolute first interaction with this doctor. He ordered an ultrasound of my uterus to see what was happening because he confirmed it was a suuuuper heavy period. He did a manual exam of my left breast and said not to worry about it. That Friday I had an ultrasound to look at my uterus and everything looked good, there was nothing of concern. The following week I went back in to discuss my ultrasound results and mentioned the lump in my breast wasn’t going away. I had to advocate for myself and explained that my paternal grandma had breast cancer and her sisters also had breast cancer; after a while he reluctantly put in the order for a breast ultrasound. About a week later on March 19th I went in for my ultrasound, the tech was looking at the imaging and taking snapshots before finally calling in the radiologist. The radiologist came in and offered to do a core needle biopsy the same day….let me drop some knowledge on you right quick….the doctor will NEVER offer the same day shit unless they know some shit is wrong!!! I was going to Hawaii the following week so I declined. I said I didn’t want bruises or pain while I was on my trip. What I really thought was fuck that…you’re not gonna fuck up my happy place for me and tell me I have cancer while I’m on vacation…you do that shit when I’m at home. I knew before going to Hawaii I had breast cancer, my lola and her sisters had it, I had a LEEP done at 18 to remove a portion of cervical cancer…I can read between the lines and the writing on the wall…a bitch had cancer. We went to Oahu with our friends and ate all the ono grinds, lounged on the beaches, shopped a lot and got to just relax. I also fully accepted that I had cancer during that sunrise on my homepage.
Fast forward to the week we’re back from Hawaii…this is also my 1st week at my new job. When I accepted my offer I let them know that I had a trip and procedure lined up and they were totally cool…So it’s my 1st Friday there and I left early to go get an ultrasound guided core needle biopsy. Basically it’s a THIIIIICK needle that takes samples of breast tissue. Think of it like a hole puncher at the end of a long ass needle. I went in and the doctor gave me 2 shots of local anesthesia, that burned a little bit but it was tolerable, then she made a small incision into my boob and inserted the needle. I watched the needle going in and out, taking little samples on the ultrasound machine. She was talking to me the whole way and I was just laying there in awe. Most patients close their eyes but nope…there I was watching the needle go back and forth, in and out. After the 3rd sample she inserted a tiny titanium marker the size of a grain of rice into the tumor. After the local wore off lemme tell you…my tit huuuuuuurt!!! I didn’t wanna move, I just wanted to sleep but work was waiting for me. (My job is honestly the best place I’ve ever been and my boss is the best exec I’ve ever had so don’t think they’re slave drivers…this is my own personal issue. I have problems and don’t know how to just stop working….I jumped on a conference call the morning of my wedding…so yeah I’m gonna go back to work and finish my shit on a Friday)
I spent the weekend chillin with an ice pack on my boob and Kimchi cuddled next to me. On Monday morning, literally week 2 at my new job, I got a call from the doctor…she dropped the bomb, she said, “Hi Angela, we have your results from last week’s biopsy. You have what we call invasive mucinous carcinoma.” Then she pauses. My immediate response is, “Ok, now what? How do we get rid of it?” She said, “We need to run more tests and don’t have any information.” I replied, “Why are you calling me then? If you don’t know what to do, why are you wasting my time telling me this?” She said that many patients need time to process that they have cancer and most patients cry…she was surprised by my reaction but honestly crying isn’t going to magically make the cancer go away, it’s just gonna make my face puffy and the cancer will still be there.
On April 12th my thoughts were confirmed and it wasn’t a shock, it was just confirming what I already knew in my heart and already accepted.
I had to go in for more tests and meet a million doctors. If you know me well then you know that I research the shit out of things…I’m the girl who walks into a car dealership and gives them the VIN number of the exact car I want. I know what I want and I will figure out how to get it. Part of my job is to think of the worst case scenario and how to mitigate it…that’s what I did. I had 2 care teams, one at PAMF and one at Stanford. Thankfully they were able to share my record and I only had to do most of the tests once.
On the morning of April 21st I went to do my very first mammogram and it was the easiest thing ever. I walked down my driveway and up the hospital driveway then up to the machine, the tech put my boob on the little plate and then the pressure came down on it. She repositioned my whole body and did one more on the left before moving on to the right. 4 smashes and I was done. I don’t know why people complain about it so much. It wasn’t comfortable but I would do a mammogram over a pap smear any day! If I had to compare my mammogram to something it would be like a toddler stepping on your boob and pinning it on the ground. The tech said I was lucky because it was as easy as picking up my boob and putting it on the little plate. People who aren’t as blessed have to get into yoga positions to get the images they need.
The MRI on April 27th was a whole other issue…I FUCKING HATED IT!!! I’ve had CT Scans before so I’m familiar with the tube. Before my appointment I took Ativan to calm me down but I still hated it. I had to lie face down in a machine and put my boobs into these special little cones…guess what my boobs were too big so the damn cones were digging into them. Then the machine started rocking and rolling…here I am going in and out of the tube…I’m not usually claustrophobic but I do get motion sickness…guess who yacked in the machine…wearing a fucking mask!!! It was by far the worst experience I had during this whole situation. Then the lady cleaned me up, stuck some contrast dye in my arm and made me ride the not so fun machine again…fuck the breast MRI! Never ever again.
While I waited for all these test results I met with the different care teams trying to figure out the best solution for me. I met with different breast cancer survivors who are also young and learned about their experiences and got their input on what they liked or didn’t like and what they regretted not doing. Obviously their cancer isn’t the same as mine and their experiences would be different but learning what worked and what didn’t was great. I used their advice to come up with the mantra, do what you will regret the least in 5-10 years.
Ultimately, I decided on a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. What does that mean…the doctor will remove all the breast tissue from both boobs and insert implants at the same time. How come I can do that and others need expanders? I want smaller boobs and have the extra space and skin. Some women want bigger boobs and need to stretch their skin. I’m giving up my DD’s for a full C/small D ish…It all depends on what it all looks like when the surgeon is done removing all of the tissue and how much extra skin she will need to close.
Do I want fake boobs? Nope not really but fake boobs are better than zero boobs. Did I ever think I would need a boob job? Hell no…maybe a lift when I’m 50?
Another option for me was lumpectomy (removing only the tumor and keeping the rest of my breast tissue) Would I have rather kept my boobs, removed only the tumor and gotten a reduction and lift on the other side? Also no. That would mean I need radiation and a mammogram every 6 months and I’d have to ride the stupid MRI machine every 6 months. No thank you, I’d rather just cut my boobs out than have to do that shit. The other down side to this is the tumor is on the left side meaning I would have to breathe a certain way while the radiation array passes, asthma makes that shit is hard to do.
Most importantly I knew that I would get anxiety every 6 months before my tests wondering if the cancer is back. The stats show that lumpectomy and radiation have almost the same recurrence rate as a mastectomy but you know me….do it all the way or don’t do it at all…there is no half assing.
Having a mastectomy means I won’t be able to breastfeed if I ever have a child and I’m ok with that. I never planned to do it anyway so not a big deal. The only downside to this is as of today the cost of a single ounce from the milk bank is $4…read that again FOUR FUCKING DOLLARS FOR ONE OUNCE!!! Babies drink an average of 32 oz per day…$128/day?! No thank you…my potential future baby is drinking formula at $60 for 256 oz.
Speaking of kids…could not having a child earlier in my life be the cause of getting breast cancer?…maybe who knows. The cancerous cells could have grown in the ducts because they were never used….The idea of trying to find the root cause is useless, the cancer is here so whatever. But this whole idea of just letting it be and seeing if we get pregnant naturally has also gone through the window. Since chemo is still on the table, we have to make a tough choice, either no chance at biological kids ever or harvest eggs and create embryos.
Luckily Jimmy’s work covers fertility treatment so the current plan is 2 weeks after getting my new boobs I’m starting fertility treatment and will go back into surgery to harvest my eggs 2 weeks later. 2 times under anesthesia in under 4 weeks. If we come back with 0 good quality genetically tested embryos that made it to blastocyst then I might be pushing for a 2nd retrieval starting September 1st with a retrieval on September 15th. That’s anesthesia 3 times in 7 weeks. Recap, mastectomy and reconstruction is July 26th, the 1st round of fertility starts on August 11th, hopefully we retrieve around August 25th and the hope is I don’t have to do it twice.
Reproductive Endocrinology is a whole new set of doctor interviews to conduct, even more research to do and honestly even right now I still don’t know if I truly want to do fertility treatment….I still don’t know if I want a child. I say a child because at my baseline appointment it wasn’t very promising. They hoped to find 10-15 follicles and we found 5. The likelihood of a viable embryo to freeze is 1 or even 0…why pump my body full of more hormones when I’m trying to heal if it might be for nothing? There’s a chance there are more but I have to be fully prepared to accept that I did it for absolutely nothing. If we do a 2nd round I have a higher likelihood of at least 2 viable embryos but still…who knows.
I love my current life, I love the ability to spoil the shit out of my dog, nephews, nieces and cousins. I love being able to pick up my shit and go on vacation without having to consider school schedules, I like being able to walk into Louis Vuitton and buy a purse just because I feel like it and I don’t even feel bad that I could have used that money for something else. I love the fact that I go to sleep whenever I want and sleep in until I want to. I love that I can spend time with kids on my own terms.
I love Kimchi, he brings us joy and for now he’s enough for me. Do I worry about who the hell is gonna take care of me when I’m old old? Kinda but not really, I’m sure I’ll end up in a retirement community so if I need someone to take care of me I’ll move to an assisting living community. But I do worry about who will bury me and who would actually miss me. That’s not what you base a life changing decision about children on though. I’m still planning to do 1 round of fertility anyway…it’s free! It’s stupid to not try. People would kill to have that free benefit…technically I get 2 free rounds but let’s be real….I’m a mother fucking bitch when I PMS. I’m mean, hungry, have strong ass cravings and easily frustrated. I don’t even wanna be around me! I already don’t have a filter, I can’t imagine the shit poor Jimmy will have to put up with. It’s just a shit show and lucky for me I get front row seats.
So circling back…why is my period all fucked up and why don’t I harvest eggs before surgery like a normal person? Who the fuck decides to harvest eggs right after surgery and pushes themselves to just get it done with before going back to work? ME! I’ve already said this, I have issues…I wanna spare my new coworkers and my boss from this ugly side of me number 2. But number 1 my cancer is both estrogen and progesterone positive. That means estrogen and progesterone feed my cancer…what are the hormones that women produce? Estrogen and Progesterone… I wonder if all of those years on birth control have contributed to this but honestly looking back isn’t helpful. The cancer is here and will be leaving on July 26th.
Doing fertility treatment now is possible but why risk the cancer getting bigger if I don’t have to? Why can’t I just try to have a baby after the surgery? I have to be on a medication called Tamoxifen for 5-10 years, this will suppress my estrogen to the point where I don’t produce it. This will also lead to early menopause and if I were to spontaneously conceive while taking the medication I would need to abort because it’s not safe for a developing baby…if I’m going the full 10 years by the time I finish the meds I’ll be almost 50 and there is no way I’m trying to have a kid then. But I would be able to take the meds for about 2 years, get off it, implant the lab created embryo, deliver a baby and then get back on the meds. I’m planning to do fertility like my boobs and how I always wanted to have kids…one and done. I think I need to walk away and put this down for now because this was a whole lot of shit to unpack and digest…-G
Gel's Sueso 